Treacy Travels

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T09:17:00.002+13:00

Due to bad eyesight. Blogging, sadly, has just been too difficult. Hopefully it is not a permanent thing. But if so, nothing will stop me from wishing you all a wonderful Christmas.

Have a lovely day,

Take care of you and yours.

Share lots of love.

And of course have a very happy New Year!!

Jaz xx

Happy Anniversary

2011-11-25T14:32:00.002+13:00

Sixteen years ago we met and didn't look back for one moment.

This is where it all started.........

..and this is what we looked like.

And this is what we made!!

Happy 11th Wedding Anniversary Mark. My best friend. I love you.

Jaz xx

What a week!

2011-11-23T10:12:00.009+13:00

We have had SUCH a week.

A week involving packing, short trips away, A&E visits, more hospital appointments, more medical updates and news. It's all so much it simply takes breath away. I hope it calms down soon. But I feel this may be the reality of living with a brain tumour after all.

I've started packing up the house, just the non essentials. It's kind of tricky with funny eyes. But I've never been one to let stuff get in my way. I'm typing this with a patch on and finding it a real struggle. But there aint no way this tumour is going to take my blog away from me!! Not yet anyway!!!!!!!

We drove up to Paihia on Friday eve, staying in beautiful apartments and visited Waitangi on the Saturday.

Arrival at Paihia late Friday eve. LOL

The view out our window the next morning.

Treaty house at Waitangi

Exploring the Maori villages

No as many images as I had hoped but it was point, shoot and hope for the best with my eyesight that day. At least we can tick Waitangi off the 'before we leave the North Island' list.

Unfortunately I was at the end of my 'weaning off steroids plan' and my eyesight deteriorated very quickly. By Sat arvo I could barely see a metre in front of me. Back home we drove and spent Sunday in A&E. Result?........back on the steroids.

I have developed a syndrome, common with either hydrocephalus and or tectal plate tumours where the eye muscle develop paralysis when trying to look upwards. It is extremely frightening, and for some reason the steroids (possibly the anti inflammatory nature of them) help. So I guess it's a matter of working out how much, what level, what dose keeps the symptoms reduced and the side effects limited. I am sad it has got to this. It may well be permanent, although I have a slither of hope that because the brain fluid is now at normal levels and the tumour is not currently growing that the eye muscles and nerves can recover. It says it's possible on Google..............so my little glimmer of hope is there.

What have you got if you haven't got hope huh?

Other than that, it becomes about acceptance of the changes. It's difficult to swallow. I may never be cured from any of this and once again, my breath is taken away. But chin up and all that. We have got to push on the best we can. Going back to flat land and my friends and family seems an even better plan now.

So much busyness I have forgotten the most important part this week. It was my birthday.

Mark cooked a delicious meal, the girls baked and decorated a wonderful cake and I got lovely,thoughtful gifts. It made life seem a little brighter.

Thanks lovely family for your effort. Thanks also to the all the well wishers and mail I have received.

You all really know how to make a week shine!!!

Jaz xx

The Treacys are going Home

2011-11-16T21:45:00.006+13:00

Time to let you all know.

The funky Rangiora townhall.

We are relocating back to the little township of Rangiora where we moved from two years ago now. Mark has a managers job within the township and with any luck we will wake tomorrow with the contract on a house purchase finally through the rigorous insurance checks now required within a seismically freaky zone.

We have mixed feelings about the move back home. We actually love our new home up here. The location, lifestyle and new friends. But we must admit the dreaded brain tumour has hampered this lifestyle. Mark and I are both fiercely independent people and a little stubborn. So we are not entirely happy that a little tumour is now dictating our journey.

But it is, and we are learning to accept the changes it is bringing.

I am certainly a different person to whom I was when I left Canterbury. Inside and out. My experiences before after the diagnosis of the tumour have certainly left their effects. Surgery, rehabilitation, treatment, medications, losing hair, changing appearance, stress, fear and many other aspects of this journey has left a few scars. I am apprehensive about taking "me" home. I often don't recognise myself. And I really mean the inside as well.

We also realise the Christchurch we once loved and felt a bond with doesn't really exist anymore. We haven't been back since the devastating and fatal February earthquake. I know we need to prepare ourselves for the devastation and sadness. We will watch Christchurch rebuild with hope and anticipation like all other Cantabrians I imagine.

We are looking forward to being back amongst the people we love. As I am not currently permitted to drive I am looking forward to being back on flat Canterbury land for walking the kids to school and regaining my own independence.

Mark's work will be just a stones throw from our new house (please go through contract!!!!). Which means no long trips home, no commuting. I have my husband near me. This I like and want. This tumour, as much as we loathe it , has brought us so much closer together as a couple............ as a family in fact.

Lovely Ashley River

Our lives in Whangaparaoa has been lived in rental properties. This has been ok for the duration. We were more interested in exploring every weekend, making memories and taking loads of photos. And this we did.

Now we want the Kiwi dream back. The backyard, dog, vege patch and a place to potter. Our place.

This move back home is going to bring us that.

To those of you we are leaving behind up here, thank you for making us feel so welcome. We will miss you all dearly and consider you life long friends. Northland will always be a place to revisit and holiday in. Thanks for becoming a part of our extended family.

Southern Alps and Canterbury Plains

To those of you who are awaiting our arrival back on Canterbury soil. Not long now. We are excited to rebuild friendships and see you all again in early January.

Jaz xx

3.36am

2011-11-14T03:36:00.008+13:00

Yip it's 3.36am , Monday morning and I'm blogging . I'm either a little mad, hopelessly addicted or it's something else.

Oh that's right.

I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR.

They make you do some funny things these tumours. Like; awake at three am with hunger pains you can't ignore (that's the steroids, which I'm nearly off, YAY!!) and insomnia.

So what's a girl to do? Blog of course.

Gone are the days when Monday morning posts were all about the weekend just gone and enjoyed. Even though we had a great weekend. I'm still posting about this bloomin' thing in my head.

I thought about dying last night. Mark and I were sitting at the computer together. Doing mundane stuff. It hit me like a gale force wind. Brutal with the stench of 'tumour'. Waves of tears. And then gone. More like a Nuclear wind I guess. Not often does it get me anymore, I tend to keep myself distracted and busy, but sometimes the mundane tasks seem to encourage it, or at least allow it to get me.

I've worked out what our WORD is for this year.

COURAGE

Plain and simple.

I used to enjoy teaching values and attitudes as a unit theme with primary school children. Courage was always in there. It takes a lot of courage to be a learner. To take risks and try new things.

Well i've learnt a thing or two about COURAGE this year. In fact our whole family has. My children have been extraordinarily courageous. Mark shows courage in a daily basis living with this tumour alongside me.

But I now know what RAW COURAGE is. I can't think of another way to put it. It's the kind of courage you need when you know something needs to be faced or completed and your entire being wants to pull away. I didn't want to learn it or even experience it. It was kind of thrown into my life. I don't even consider myself very good at it. I just had to do it, be it, own it I guess.

It sucks. (As my pre teen might say).

Brain surgery is the scariest thing I've ever had to face. Every inch of your body wants to run away. You've just spent time chatting to several surgical assistants and registrars about the numerous risks. But lying on that table, looking at the surgical lights above you, you know it's too late. It's going to happen. The only thing left to try is a bit of COURAGE.

That's the courage I mean.

A very special woman in my life said something very poignant and memorable to me about courage this year. Her words, I can't remember to quote exactly, but the sentiment I will never forget. "Courage doesn't always lift its head and roar like a lion. It's often just a small and quiet voice at the end of a day that whispers; I will try again tomorrow".

I guess. Courage presents itself in different forms. Depending on what you need. Thankfully, most days, that quiet voice is all I need.

I'm not trying to talk myself up here. I just needed to write. Funny what you think about lying awake in bed. I wonder what tomorrow's topic word will be?

It's now 4.11am. What else is a girl to do?

Jaz xx

Welcome back!

2011-11-12T13:00:00.003+13:00

Look who's back for another year!

Hi Nana!

Good to see you again.

Jaz xx

11.11.11

2011-11-11T10:01:00.003+13:00

It's here.

11.11.11

I'm not normally superstitious at all. But ever since we met , Mark and I have had a 'thing' about the number 11.11.

It started shortly after we started living together. We kept noticing the time 11.11 on the digital clock. Over the years whenever we noticed it, often at the same time, we would look at each other thinking it was a bit odd and spooky.

Now. It's just our number.

We see the time and smile.

It still happens all the time.

So today has almost become an anniversary of sorts. Mark even woke and greeted me with a big kiss and a 'Happy 11.11 Day!!!"

I know others' around the country and world are celebrating and considering it a lucky day. Well it is for us. We feel lucky to have each other!!

Happy 11.11 Day to you Mark. I feel lucky to have you in my every day.

Happy 11.11 day to all of you out there. I hope it's a lucky one for you all.

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: Remembering to Live!

2011-11-10T14:01:00.009+13:00

It sure is tricky being thankful when things just aren't cool.

I struggle to see every morning. Making the school lunches in my "pirate feathersword" get up. One eye patched so that I may negotiate the kitchen effectively. Ridiculous really, but if I don't my vision is a swimming mess of multiple images. Bloody, brain, bloody tumour, grrrrrr.

Even the Bougainvillea growing on my deck looks like it's worthy of thanks. Beautiful!

But it was for his very reason I started doing Thankful Thursdays. I needed to be reminded, even on the worst days and weeks. I AM NOT DEAD YET.

For this.......... I am REALLY thankful :-)

And while I'm still kicking, breathing and walking into things, there is hope. Plenty of it.

So today is purely a reminder to oneself. Come on Jaz. You aint dead yet. Still plenty of stuff to achieve. Even if it's slightly modified, altered or impaired. Life still needs to be lived.

I needed this reminder today.

Maybe you need it too.

Jaz xx

Playing with Fire

2011-11-06T08:43:00.013+13:00

Let's begin with a brain update.

I'm typing this with my eye patch on as my eyes do not cope after a full nights sleep. But we crack on despite. I really hope my eyesight returns.

You may have seen my comment on my last post that the MRI went pretty well.

1. No new growth of the tumour (still the same size but they can stabilize and take a long time if going to shrink. Time is needed here.

2. The discolouration caused by radiation treatment is resolving and not a sign of any new disease. ONE BIG PHEW!!!!!

3. My ventricles are still a bit overfull of fluid which may be the discomfort I still feel. The drainage hole has worked and is working,but once again this is a scenario that needs time.

4. I have lost my cheek bones LOL. Bummer. The fluid caused by fluid retention (steroids) have changed the shape of my face (well I certainly notice it). I laughed at it yesterday as I brushed my hair. I laughed. I reckon that's another step towards recovery mentally at least :-)

A Night Out

Lat night we shared guy fawkes with friends and at their street party. It was a great night. I actually didn't think I could do it. With the amount of pressure I currently have in my head I find noise and lots of people and movement just a bit too much. But with a head full of antinflammatories, well watered and fed the night got better and better.

I think some times distraction has a major role to play when trying to cope with feeling unwell.

Thanks Lisa and Paul! What great spread, lovely company and awesome to have had some fun!

The fire works were brilliant fun for adults and children alike.

Happy kids

and more happy kids....

and some more!!

My happy little girl who was petrified of the fireworks last year really warmed to them and was extremely brave.

Some of the happy 'lighting' crew.

Sparkler fun!

She made it till midnight :-)

Jaz xx

Forgetful Friday

2011-11-04T14:19:00.005+13:00

I realise I haven't made much of an effort to be Thankful on Thursdays lately. Shame really as it was a time in the week which forced me to have a more positive outlook on our current life. Which is a good thing.

So although Thursday has past. I shall be thankful on a Friday.

A very good and dear friend called me this morning. Just hearing her voice made me shed more than a few tears. I was, thankfully, able to offload (she doesn't mind a bit) many of my fears and some of the icky stuff I've had to deal with this year. What a load off it was. I am so grateful to have her in my life. Love you Simone xx

Next I am thankful that my children can have some normality. A small sleepover with junk food and DVD is scheduled for this evening. It hasn't been a regular event at our house this year. Most of the the social events have taken our children to other people's houses. It is nice to finally host a friend and have some fun. Yay!

And finally. Things are growing.

Parsley, strawberries, spinach, corn and courgette. Just a smattering of veg.

But it is lovely to see anyway. Thankful for the warmer weather arriving and new growth around us.

And these lillies, almost bursting into bloom were from my late Nana's garden. They have been with me at every flat, house and rental we have owned or lived in. South and North Island. I have moved them with me loyally and Nana has never failed to deliver yearly blooms. Lovely huh.

Can't wait for it to happen again soon :-)

Thank goodness for finding these things around me.

We plan to get the kids out on their bikes this weekend.

Have a wonderful weekend yourselves.

Jaz xx

MRI

2011-11-02T13:13:00.005+13:00

MRI tomorrow morning.

Today's mantra:

It's going to be fine

It's going to be fine.

Tomorrow's mantra:

It was all ok

The power of the positive!!

Jaz xx

Who is this person standing before me?

2011-10-31T10:20:00.005+13:00

I'm having a moment. Just a little one.......promise.

We had a pretty relaxing weekend which was total awesomeness. Bought some Levis jeans for $29 at Savemart. OH yes!

New trainers originally $190 for $49 for my 'no driving' daily walking expeditions. Wicked!

Yep, a good weekend. Even the grocery bill was cheaper. Go figure! We relaxed, mooched, hung out together. The nice stuff.

But today I feel somewhat .........deflated. Disappointed I guess. Every now and again my brain tumour saga catches up with me and slaps me clean around the ears.

I have been on a lowish dose of steroids for the past month since my recent surgery. They are awful actually. I don't like them very much. BUT, they seem to have helped my eyes and head pressure. I feel I can function almost normally on them.

Catch 22 though. While the eyesight and 'headiness' feeling improving is a positive. I really struggle with the transformation my body is going through. Unfortunately, and embarrassingly this is where I become rather shallow in character. I miss the old me. The healthy, relatively fit, active, slim me. Ok so I've never been a sports woman, but a healthy 35year old and proud of it.

The steroids are making my face a little swollen and rounder. A smattering of acne. My hair is still a bit irregular from having surgery patches shaved. I can't sleep very well. I'm often up at 3 or 4am drinking sleepy tea or hot milk. I have an insatiable appetite. Like I've never had before (other than when I was pregnant). A drug induced (and eating at all hours of the day) belly is appearing, despite my 80 tummy crunches I try each day and regular walking. I feel I'm losing the battle, despite my efforts. It's all vanity, I realise this. I know it's more important to be alive and functioning, I just miss me!

My lovely husband is very good at saying all the right things. He loves me, the whole me. The person whom he married and the person whom he shares everything with. But I'm a girl. I want to be attractive for my husband. I want to be healthy and attractive for me too! It's a strange feeling to be changing beyond my control.

Some of it may be within my control. I'm trying a lower dose. But so far my symptoms eg the poor eyesight are returning. Drat.

I'm hoping it may plateau and become bearable, liveable. But I guess, if I have to increase them again I will.

I keep active. Even if I don't see the results outwardly, I'm sure it's good for my overall health and well being to keep moving and my heart pumping. That I can do and will continue.

I'm a little uncomfortable at the thought of the next time I see my friends and family again who reside in Canterbury. I don't really want to look like I've been on medications for months on end.

Oh I know........they love me.........it won't matter..........they will completely understand........and support me anyway. Yep, I know all this.

But I'm still having a moment.

Jaz xx

Hey guess what?

2011-10-28T14:19:00.003+13:00

I have things in my life other than managing a brain tumour! Yes I do!

I love cooking with apples. Well all fruit really, but especially apples.

My mum and her best friend (who have both sadly passed away in the past five years) loved and shared the most delicious apple cake recipe.

AND IT'S EASY!!!! Because these too amazing women are not in my life anymore, their recipe, written with love and passed to me is especially precious.

Yesterday I made the cake for Mark to take to his work today. His work mates are benefiting from my 'recovery boredom' quite a bit lately. I smothered it with maple syrup butter icing. OMG YUM!!!

Here tis if you want to try it:

Easy Spiced Apple Cake

Melt 125 grams butter

Grate 2 medium size apple, mix in 1 cup brown sugar and an egg. Mix!!!

Dry ingredients:

1 & half cups flour

1 tspn baking soda

1 tspn cinnamon

1 tspn cloves

1 tspn mixed spice

1/2 tspn salt.

Combine sifted dry ingredients with the wet apple mixture. Put into a lined, greased 20cm round cake tin.

If not icing then add a topping before baking:

25g melted butter

1/2 cup rolled oats

1/4 cup sugar

tspn mixed spice

Bake 30 minutes at 180

ps Yesterday I also made rhubarb muffins which I had never made before. Have you? They were amazing and didn't even have butter in them. Wahooo!!!

Jaz xx

Ah well, sometimes it happens (sigh)

2011-10-27T04:50:00.004+13:00

My appointment came and went yesterday. Unfortunately taken by some poor critical care patient. I dearly hope they are ok.

Of course, I am a bit dissapointed. It means rescheduling of several appointments, a shuffling domino effect. More coaching of oneself (MRI's are not a pleasant experience and it does take me a bit of focused calmness and preparation on the day).

But somebody else got the urgent care they needed. I'd want that for myself and my family if necessary.

I'm still glad I put it out there into blogland though. It felt ok asking for your help. It was nice knowing that others are supporting me.

It's cool.

You people are cool.

Total coolness.

Thanks. Keep it comng. Lots of love your way too.

Jaz xx

Can I ask you all a favour?

2011-10-25T08:48:00.004+13:00

I've got a big week this week. Two hospital appointments. One for an Brain MRI an the other with my Opthamologist to reassess my eyes after my most recent surgical procedure.

I feel ok about it all. I know it needs to be done. But of course it still brings up bubbling emotions and 'what if questions' about my future.

I'm also feeling more recovered from the latest surgery. It was a month ago today.

There are still issues and I think the fluid levels in my head are still not quite right as I feel a little off balance, slight head pressure and fuzzy eyes. But it is so much better than it was.

I dont know the effects that anasthetic has on the body but I'm sure it takes a while to recover from that as well. (I stopped any online research a LONG time ago. Too many horror stories and dread on there for me to cope with!!).

Once again the Spiriulina and Antioxident supplements are helping get me through. Wonderful stuff.

Unfortunately, I have also been on steroids which have unpleasant side effects; insomnia, crazy hunger, anxiety, weight gain, round face, acne (the list goes on and on). But I am this week weaning myself off them. Yippee!

Hopefully the symptoms don't return so I can remain off them for a loooong time.

So anyway, the favour I mentioned I mentioned in my title. I hate asking for help. I'm terrible at it. Up until this diagnosis of my brain tumour I was an independent person in control of my life and family. I liked it that way too.

But I have had to do it and accept it a huge amount this year. I am extremely grateful for the help we have received too!!

I'm not very religious, but I am a spiritual person. I believe in the power of prayer and collective love and positivitiy. So will you help me out???

Tomorrow; Wednesday is my MRI. Can you send me some prayer and positive thought?? I won't have anything to report. They just do the scan and then I'll have to wait few weeks for a follow up appointment to discuss results, but no matter.

You never know, it may help. It certainly helps knowing my friends, family and readers are out there.

It lifts me and keeps me going.

If nothing else, that is more than enough.

Cheers friends

Jaz xx

Our Boys Won

2011-10-24T07:51:00.004+13:00

Congrats to the Boys in Black.

I think the whole nation is smiling with you this morning.

Jaz :-)

Our little get away.

2011-10-17T13:49:00.028+13:00

From Whangaparaoa to Whangamata we quietly idled along at a leisurely pace to our destination for the evening. Traveling with Phoebe we made a few little breaks and pit stops along the way. But only having one child to organise made it pretty easy and not at all stressful.

With my spirulina to keep me going, I made it ok and Mark and I had a great time together.

Soy fluffy in Thames

View in Tairua

Surf at Hot Water Beach Coromandel

Hot Water Beach

Happiness in ice cream

Enormous, beautiful native trees

Whangamata Cafe meal. Phoebe discovers a new passion for garlic aioli dip. I totally understand the love affair.

The motel

Whangamata beach with the sun setting behind us.

Karangahake gold mine

Karaangahake gold mine river and swing bridges.

Paeroa

Phoebe and her kazoo

Evidence of the in flight entertainment. LOL

A lovely weekend had by all. Even little breaks are truly worth it.

Jaz xx

Brain surgery, parties, children and a night away.

2011-10-14T14:10:00.012+13:00

Just what the doctor ordered.

In that sequential order as well.

I have, if you read Mark's you will know that my head decided not to cope with a gradual build up of fluid and I had a rather quick surgical procedure called a Ventriculostomy. Very often a shunt is put into people's ventricles when they suffer from hydrocephalus (fluid build up). Instead the surgeon decided to insert a snazzy camera and then pierce a hole in the base of the ventricle to allow drainage. It allows slow, gradual drainage and balancing of the fluid levels. I also have a flash little Rickham reservoir placed just under the skin of the entry wound through which they can actually simply enter a needle to remove extra fluid if it is so needed. Flash huh?! It's small, and I can only feel a slight bump under the skin and shaven hair. Yep. Another hairstyle emergency (sigh). Although kindly they just took off a little bit so I have modified my fringe and parting to accommodate. (You can't really tell in the photo but they used a new

iodine solution which was bright pink!! My entire head and pillow was very 'punk' looking for a few days. Kind of cool. Thankfully it has almost all gone as I write this today...but I kind of liked it for a while).

The recovery has felt slow. But then I'm not all the patient with this process anymore. Considering I have had my head cut into, I really should be more realistic. I forget that I can't always bounce back straight away. I didn't cope so well initially. It all came as a shock. Suddenly I was being admitted to the same ward that I had spent so many sleepless nights back in January. Back to the midnightly blood-tests, Heparin jabs in the belly to avoid blood clots and the two hourly waking to check that I'm Neurologically 'with it'. It brought back a lot of the fear and trauma of January/Feb I must admit. I recognised the sounds, smells and many of the nurses. It was lonely and scary. But.........only a week this time and then Mark took me home and cooked and cared for me as only he wonderfully can.

I have recovered at home well. Still struggling with poor eyesight, but battling on despite. Hopefully as the recovery process completes so will the recovery of my sight. I can't drive again. A standard 'stand down' period is required after any brain surgery. I am feeling a little housebound, but at least I feel well. I have got a crappy sinus infection which antibiotics are dealing with which makes my head feel spaced out. I look forward to the day when my head feels normal again. A happy day that will be.

I have an onslaught of hospital appointments coming up over the next two months. I hope the MRI in two weeks reveals some more die off of this tumour of mine. I have finished with it. I'm just not sure yet if it has finished with me. Most importantly, I need to make sure it doesn't actually 'finish' me.

I'm tired of being scared and sad. I want laughter again.

Laughter.

We had a little of this recently. Beautiful Phoebe turned three and her love of pirates inspired me to bake a Pirate ship cake. Just a little one, but she seemed pleased. We had Nana and my brother visiting from Christchurch which made the birthday weekend a bit more special for us all.

Notice how the candle on right of pic is actually burning the ship's mast. Giggle!

Plenty of pirate loot!

She proudly took a little cake to preschool as well and shared birthday news. Gosh how they grow up huh!! Before I know it my baby will be starting school. Good golly!

Spinach

My kids have grown to love spinach. Just on the plate, no dressings, maybe a few other salad bits on an occasion. I am am a proud mum. Mark should be a proud dad about this because it is his cooking and perseverance by simply putting it on their plates and expecting it to be eaten................they now just do!! (Although our carnivore Phoebe had only attempted one leaf, but baby steps!!)

Just a little spinach with your pasta anyone??

School Holidays

We have done something a little out of the ordinary this week. We sent our two eldest children; Caitlin and Molly off on a flight to stay with their Aunty and Uncle in Canterbury. It felt very odd sending them off as unaccompanied minors. But they coped extremely well and are having a lovely time.

It has been strange and VERY quiet in the house, especially on the first night and morning. Phoebe was missing her sisters by bath-time of second night. But Mark and I are making the most of having a one child weekend. We plan to drive to Whangamata for one night of dining out and then chilling in a motel room all together. Not much, but we are excited anyway. Since living up here away from our extended family we haven't had these opportunities, so we are grabbing it! I'm still feel a little fatigued and will be traveling with a swag of medications in my toilet bag. But I guess you just have to grab life by the chin and just do stuff anyway sometimes huh!

I'll update you soon on my night away with my gorgeous man and big three year old!

Well. It's nice to be blogging again. I'm glad you're still out there. Thanks for hanging around for me.

Have a lovely weekend yourself.

Jaz xx

Damn!!!!

2011-10-09T21:32:00.002+13:00

Mark's bog

Drat, damn and a few other expletives.

But I survived.

I'll be back.

In time.

Jaz xx

Fess up Friday

2011-09-09T08:57:00.003+12:00

I have a confession to make. I'm going on a blogging holiday.

I wish it was to some tropical location but it's not. I'll still be here reading all your blogs, keeping tabs on your recipes and weekly doings. I love it.

Random pics of my beautiful people :-)

But I'm not loving my own posting at the moment. I almost feel obligated to post about stuff that I just don't have at the moment. My eyesight keeps me at home and I don't even have many photographs of the kids. I'm starting to feel better, but imprisoned due to double vision. Writing, despite normally loving it, does not make me happy at the moment. It seems to drain my energy and require the kind of focus that I used to have, but am now having to rebuild.

I have some follow up hospital appointments coming up to think about and process anyway. My brain will be busy enough.

So I'm taking a break.

Take care. I hope you'll still be here when I get back.

Jaz xx

Dedication to Dads

2011-09-04T13:53:00.003+12:00

Dads are pretty important, especially in a house full of girls.

My girls absolutely adore their dad. It's what girls do I think. My girls are lucky to have a caring and open minded who wants the best for them.

So Mark, this year sure had been a test for you, and it continues to be. I am proud of your fathering and love for all of us. I wish I could support you more at the moment, but my time will come again I'm sure. In the meantime I want you to know how much I appreciate you.

To all the dad out there in cyber space. Happy Father's Day to you all!

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: Baby speak!

2011-09-01T09:15:00.011+12:00

I'm here, still recovering. Poor eyesight and all. But here.

I was thinking about a post I did many moons ago about our little Phoebe. She was 18months old and we loved her dictionary of words she had gathered in her short life.

Well, our little girl is nearing THREE, ouch where did that time go?? I thought it might be fun to update the baby speak dictionary. Of course, not being a baby makes a real difference. She has a wealth of vocab and loves to use it. But there are always a few gems which will make it onto the blog:

Here goes:

Segly and sausages: Spaghetti to you and I. We should correct her, but it's just sooo cute.

Holy pap!!!: Holy Crap. (I know, not cute and we do discourage this one. But once again, giggles all round when she first popped this one out!)

Arrrrgh me parties: That's what pirates say of course, don't they?? Phoebe loves pirates and she gets the 'p' of the word pirates a little confused and in the wrong place. But we LOVE it!

Urprise: Surprise!!! Leaving off the first letters seems to be her thing at the moment. Despite having good hearing and being ABLE to do it.

ATCCH.........bless me: A sneeze. Adorable.

So, why I am really doing this is to remind my self, that despite all the challenges that come with two and three year old children. There are many rewards as well.

I'm also feeling particularly sad that I can't do as much with them at the moment. My eyes are crippling me and I feel very housebound. Hopefully an improvement soon.

Please have a good Thursday and weekend.

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday.....sort of!!

2011-08-25T12:53:00.012+12:00

This will be a quick and succinct post today. I'm sad to say that the virus that knocked me over (or the bus that ran me over) as taken it's toll and I really feel pretty gross......still!

I've just discovered that hubby Mark updated his blog about his very topic. So thanks too him for keeping others up to speed.

Why does life do this?

I appologise for the lack of posting. I have missed it. But simply getting out of bed was a struggle for a few days. The past week has been better but I'm lacking my normal stamina or eyesight. (Sigh)

I hate the sadness that has come with 2011. I'm looking forward to the new year.

The ups and downs have continued over the past week or two. Having to have our 15year old cat Tyson put to sleep was not an enjoyable task. I was bedridden so poor Mark had to supervise and keep Tyson company in his final minutes.

I swear, Phoebe's 'death hold' had nothing to do with Tyson's demise. But it does show how loving and tolerant he had become over the years of living with our tribe.

It is Thankful Thursday and I am extremely grateful to the Vet Clinic for their prompt service. We now have Tyson's remains at home with us.

We also received a beautiful condolences card from the Vet clinic. A very welcome and warm surprise.

An up over the past week was meeting some "bloggy" friends for the first time. I had actually cancelled my attendance at lunch, but dragged my self through the shower and Mark kindly got me to the restaurant for an hour and half of fun. Blurry vision and all, I may have felt physically yucky, but my spirit was certainly lifted.

I got to meet the lovely Meg from MnM's

and many other lovelies. Yippppeeeeee!

Thanks to Leonie from Kiwi at Heart for organising the event. I'm sure the girls all had a great time. Thanks for welcoming me into the fold for the short time I was able to stay out of bed. MMWHAAAAAAAA!!

Since then I haven't even been able to read others' blog or comment. But hopefully from now onwards I'll contribute a little more.

Life goes on and I'm sure will once again get better and better.

Trying to thankful at every turn :-)

Jaz xx

Is it a thankful thursday or what !?!?!?

2011-08-11T13:12:00.005+12:00

Yes feeling very thankful today. I was actually wondering what on earth to blog about earlier in the week. But as I really should know by now.........something will always come up.

After a great weekend, my aching back turned into blocked ears and dizzy head. Then feeling sleepy and weak. Only to become a thumping scary headache yesterday. I don't do headaches well anymore.

In my situation, for a moment I forgot that headaches can be caused by many other sources. Not always tumour related!! Especially if accompanied by the chills and body aches. But of course, there's a little guy in the back of my head whispering away all the risks and dangers that were outlined on discovery of my tumour. Thankfully, having got through the radiotherapy so well and strong is a sign of a robust immune system. Go me.

So today I'm thankful for having a GP that is exceptionally good at listening and making me feel at ease and reassured. I am not presenting with any neurological symptoms, no build up brain fluid which can cause headaches etc. In fact it's very likely that the risk of these things have greatly diminished!!! Yipppeeee!

If the radiotherapy has shrunk and stabilised the tumour, then I'm less likely to be at risk of dangerous headaches. My GP checked me over and made me feel like I'd really made the right decision coming in, just to be sure. He's the GP that also checked a little further (despite not presenting with any "brain tumour" symptoms) this time last year. I am truly blessed to have met the guy. Never has he once made me feel as though I may be a paranoid patient or mother. Not all my previous GPs have been so accommodating.

But like the rest of you, I occasionally get them, headaches that is. So I guess I have an annoying little virus. (Which is not surprising, Mark and the girls have caught all sorts of things over the past two months!!) I guess it was finally my turn. Poop!

This weekend; sleep, dvds and mooching. Can't wait.

I'm also thankful for caring and understanding Vets. Yesterday, our male cat Tyson dragged himself back to the house after being missing for approx 48 hours. He looked terrible.

He had soiled himself and we were terrified he had ben hit by a car. He was obviously dehydrated and unfed.

The local vet clinic took him in immediately announcing on inspection that his badder was extremely full and there could be a blockage.

Thankfully his bladder was drained, no blockage found, and spent the night being rehydrated. It was an anxious wait as it seemed he was close to renal failure. Our poor baby.

Lucy, our other cat temporarily went off her food and looked like she was missing her brother last night. Mark and I have had both Lucy and Tyson for approx 15 years, so they are a special part of our family.

We all hope he is ok and am waiting for the vet to get out of another surgery to report on his recovery.

So. Yep life sure does have a way of just getting on with things. I guess I'll always have something to blog about. Whether it's a cold, an outing or a birthday. What ever happens......I'm thankful. Wouldn't want it to get too boring around here would we ;-)

Jaz xx

A wacky and wonderful weekend

2011-08-08T11:36:00.007+12:00

Our weekend was pretty fab. The weather was crazy, but there was no way it was going to dampen our spirits. This year and birthday deserved celebrating. We decided WE were worth celebrating.

His birthday weekend and I get flowers?? What's with that?? I no complain tho :-)

So we started with cake. Butter cake with Vanilla frosting and Mark's recent hobby of working out attempted to be conveyed on top. It tasted gooooooood though.

See where those girls get their cheesy grins?!!!!!

Sunday morning we drove to Devonport to catch the ferry (on the windiest and wettest day of the month it seemed LOL).

We discovered the most amazing little shops in the terminal building. Completely hidden away. An awesome find!

A second hand book lovers heaven.

The crossing over was pretty calm with only a light drizzle.

The girls were a mix of nerves and excitement.

Phoebe looking for "fishies"

Our destination; Auckland Viaduct.

Mark and girls watching the boat being backed in and parked at the approaching dock.

The kids were desperate to take their own photos.

Local sights....

Cool wind driven statues.....

And an addition for the Christmas wish list so I discover when going through their shots. LOL. Gorgeous!! (Must check the Lotto ticket)

See! I did attend this outing!!!

And again!

This pic reminds me of some corny broadway musical....

Pounding the city pavements. Walking to the Grand Harbour Restaurant for a Yum Cha lunch!!

All challenges attempted with gusto, including eating ice-cream balls with chopsticks. Go Phoebe!!

We got out of the city just in time. The wind and rain REALLY set in on the homeward bound crossing.

In fact as we stepped off the boat and leapt into the car the wind turned into a gale and the rain was in sheets.

But...

What's a bit of wind and water when you're happy.

It made us all laugh.

Several times.

The weekend was completed with hot drinks and toasted sandwiches.

BLISS

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: What a year it has been!

2011-08-04T10:49:00.006+12:00

In two days time, on Sunday, it will have been a whole year since I was told I had a tumour in my head.

Yep. It truly rocked my world.

It also rocked the world of my family.

Of course we had no idea what would follow and follow. I'm glad we didn't.

The day after we found out this information was my hubs birthday. A bittersweet one it was too. Which means we are once again celebrating his birthday this coming weekend. Thankfully with a different attitude.

Yes we are still frightened on a daily basis about what the future will bring, but we also truly appreciate the uncertainty that LIFE is. Shoving the fear to the back of the cupboard is not easy but I know we will go crazy if we don't ignore it sometimes. We hope that we will get some good news in the coming months that will allow some 'breathe easy' time. It may happen. We've just gotta believe and we are allowed to hope.

The person who made this little guy has no idea that he helped my non functioning hand return to full use during the rehab weeks. He sits beside my bed and reminds me of success, but also the care involved in making and sending. Thank you :-)

The cups of tea from an almost, but lovely stranger, now considered a dear friend.

I have many things to be thankful for over this year. I have thanked many people directly and indirectly. Some through this blog, texting, letter writing, phone-calls and other means. I also misplaced some addresses when people sent me lovely things and I'm very sorry about that. I will use the excuse that I was in hospital and rehab and not as organised or clear headed as normal. I also remember Mark saying he had thanked some blog followers for their cards and gifts on my behalf. I also have Mark to thank, as at a time when he was terrified he would lose his wife and mother of his children. He kept going and still does.

Healing smells from another lovely person :-)

To all of you. Thank you so much.

You have made this year richer.

What could be my worst year, may possibly be the richest.

I really know who cares for me and whom I care about in return. Some of you just left a few words on this blog. It was more than enough. The human spirit really is enriched and lifted by others' words. How bloody amazing.

What a bloody amazing year.

Amid the crap. I remember lots of love.

And.....

This weekend we will CELEBRATE my hubs birthday, enjoy our children and appreciate what it REALLY means to be alive.

Thanks

Jaz xx

Farewell School holidays!

2011-08-01T08:49:00.009+12:00

Well we did it. We survived the school holidays and have begun the week enthusiastic.

So what else did we get up to in the last few days of freedom??

Playdough making, a regular occurrance during holiday periods in our house.

Baking and water play.

Early morning beach visits.

Sleepy boats.

Bird bottoms.

The best time to visit. Nobody else about, very little noise, and a nip in the air.

Cheating, and being ok with it!! Yep, sometimes the superwoman cape comes off and the 'pinny' is donned. I like cooking from scratch but occasionally a pack of pre-made sweet short pastry, can of diced apple, frozen blueberries, tspn or cinnamon and sugar will just do the trick. Twenty minutes later you have a pie that the children go oooh and aaaah over.

Excellent.

Cheating is ok!

Visiting bird shows and watching the girls stare in wonder.

And demonstrate some pre-reading skills.

Take pics from their own personal view, hee hee

We all enjoyed the sounds and sights.

We also enjoyed the Japanese lunch that followed. (Note the pre-reading skills again.....)

Yep, we got there alright.

I hope you survived the holidays, and if you weren't on holiday like us then I hope your weekend was lovely and it is a good week ahead.

Jaz xx

Angelina Ballerina as promised :-)

2011-07-29T09:18:00.003+12:00

So she went to bed ok............but was up before the birds at 5.30am OUCH!!!

Needless to say, I noticed a few yawns as I dropped her into daycare. Maybe an early dinner this evening!

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday for Dad!!!

2011-07-28T13:42:00.005+12:00

Dad had to go away for a few nights. We have keep ourselves busy though. It's been ages since Dad got to venture away for work and Mum has had to rule the roost. Thankfully he'll be back in time for the weekend.

Sorry, that spicy fruit loaf you love is almost gone.

But you know that golden treasure we were gifted from our friends before you left??

Well, the Lemon biscuits tasted really good.

So we made Lemon muffins as well. Mmmmmmm...

We promise we're keeping warm!

Molly noticed some interesting clouds above our house to show you.

And Phoebe loved her first few days back at daycare and wanted you to see her amazing eye mask!!!

Sophie stayed the night and helped us play computer games before dinner.

We made delicious chicken burgers for dinner. Mmmmmm.....

SEE!!!!!!!! (lol)

Phoebe is excited to go back to daycare tomorrow as she has a dress up day and a daytime disco. She is going as Angelina Ballerina!! ( a favourite dancing mouse character from books and television). Mum is sewing some pink and white ears for her. Phoebe gets the giggles when she looks at her tutu!! Mum hope she goes to sleep ok in all the excitement.

We will post some photos up tomorrow morning when she's all dressed up and ready to go!!

We miss you.

Hope you are keeping warm too!

Love from Jaz and the girls.

The Weekend that Was........again........what already??

2011-07-25T09:05:00.007+12:00

One big OOOOPS from me.

I have been so engrossed in holiday activities, I even missed Thankful Thursday!! I can't believe another week and weekend has sped by!

This weekend we felt a little housebound, except for a trip to the mall where the movie promotion for "Cars 2" got little Molly pretty excited.

Miss Phoebe just loved the giant inflatable mice..........

Then we snuggled up with some paper and stamps and made greeting cards.

After the glorious weather of the weekend prior, it has crapped out and we have had more rain than I have ever seen.

This morning we watched The lower South Island, including our beloved Christchurch blanketed in snow. Chilly, but I'm a bit envious. I love snow.

We did however have several hailstorms pass over which for this part of the country is pretty cold.

That's as white as it's gonna get around here!!!!

Oh and yesterday I was officially allowed to drive again.

Don't worry...........the nation is safe, up and down the street to begin with. Getting my confidence back as we have changed vehicles since my operation.

But how I love driving..........and how I have missed it.

As Mel Gibson so 'bravely' screamed.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jaz xx

The Weekend that was!

2011-07-18T08:20:00.009+12:00

Don't you just love the opportunity to be silly?!?!?!

My Caitlin does. In between the pre teen mood swings and sour looks we get bouts of silliness. I know in the VERY DISTANT future she will have silly fun with her kids.

Oooooooooh guess what night it was in the weekend for us.

DATE NIGHT

Oh yes, it's been well over a month since our last and we have decided, after having three children and hardly EVER taking time for ourselves life is really too important for putting it off any longer.

Two nights out in a few short months, Yippeeeee!

So Saturday night at the Stonegrill Cafe, Whangaparaoa it was.

Mark looked comfy and relaxed :-)

We giggled at how I could be the next host of "Praise Be". Songbook (menu) in hand and roaring fire behind.

That fire I could barely pull myself away from.

And of course, gotta have the 'before the night is over' close up to put on record. Ahhhhhhh I can feel the brows and shoulders relax as I remember those two hours of no interruptions or toileting issues. Bliss with a capital B

Then Sunday arrived at it was GLORIOUS. It could have been spring, if I didn't know better. We are about to enter Auckland's wettest season so we got out and made the most of the sun.

There were even mythical creatures at Arkles Bay that day :-)

And sails on the sea. Everyone was out enjoying the low winter sun.

Just walking. It was enough.

:-)

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: What we're up to during winter.

2011-07-14T09:37:00.014+12:00

I actually like Thursdays. Thankful Thursdays make me stop and reflect on the past week. I wanted to post during the past few days, and then thought what's the point?!?! It's winter, we're not up to much other than catching bugs. The fluey-snotty-nose type bugs, not the interesting garden variety.

Not much huh? Well, reflection is a valuable thing, cause look what I found.......

One lonely but gorgeous daf popped it's head up out on our deck.

We started a holiday spending fund for later in the year. A weekend away is just what we need!

I hated the eighties, at the time. Now I'm loving the return of some of the fashions. I have always wanted a keyboard belt, instead I found this tie and it makes me smile :-)

We did some inside aerobics....well........some muscle posing anyway hee hee.

Molly had pirate day at school. I can't get over what a glamourous pirate she makes.

Last year we made little pirate ship cup cakes. This year I found some chocolate coins stashed in the back of my wardrobe from Easter (sorry kids).

We went with an ocean/treasure kind of theme.

Oh, and then I remembered some blue edible glitter in the back of the pantry. I'm very good at stashing stuff away it seems.

I wonder if I've stashed some cash anywhere.......mmmmm.........

Then there's this guy, who has been sick this week, just as he returned to work for closer to normal hours. He can be lots of fun and silly. But lately, well most of this year, there hasn't been as much to laugh about. So to see him joking in the kitchen, posing for little Phoebe's photography was awesome. I love you Mark. We all love you and hope you feel chipper really soon!!!

Phoebe likes Dad's sandwiches too. (Thanks for the photos Phoebe, good job.)

New mascara. Honestly, this is a treat. After spending so much of the year in hospital etc my mascara was a dried up mess. I love mascara. When I'm feeling icky, I like to go for the dairy cow look.

Silly hats were the theme for junior assembly this week.

There is something really fetching about a little girl with ribbons in.

Should I be worried that she likes to organise her lollies before devouring them?? Maybe she could alphabetise my pantry..........mmmmm....

Last night we attended a Learner Led interview/conference for Caitlin. She did very well and made us proud. I'm very proud of the goals she has set and the progress she has made this year. This is her first year at College. She started very shortly after my operation. So we are proud of her even more so for coping with so many changes all at once. Keep up the wonderful effort hun, we are very proud of you xx

Ok, so maybe it all ended up being inside shots and activities. The kids have had such nasty coughs etc that we've all wanted to keep warm and dry this week.

But it really is worth keeping the camera on hand at all times.

I thought nothing has happened this week. Just goes to show huh!

Hope your week was fun and your weekend is even better.

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday

2011-07-07T13:46:00.003+12:00

Thank goodness for Thankful Thursdays. Maybe it's the weather and my lagging energy levels but I'm really lacking motivation at the moment.

I'm thankful to other bloggers who post about their comings, goings and doings. They remind me of the stuff I could be finishing etc. I wish I could paint or something like that, I could really do with a good chucking of paint onto a canvas right now. Instead I might have a go at creating gorgeous jewelry or writing stories.

Oh and I've heard...a crossword a day keeps the dementia at bay. Well, I'm getting sick of exercising my brain so often lately. It might actually go purposefully on strike soon. I think by the end of this year, thanks to the numerous crossword books around here, I might have a better vocabulary than ever before. Now there's a positive!

This week New Zealand is celebrating Maori Language Week. Well, I'm pretty sure there are some that haven't given it a second thought. I have Maori ancestry and feel a real affinity with the culture. Most would be surprised that a little white girl born in the most 'Pakeha' of Canterbury rural towns would feel so strongly about this. I have been tempted on several occasions to register as a Maori, simply because of this connection I feel. But I never have, nor will. I guess most people would think I was fraud.

All I know is this. If you love the sound of a language, the music, the art, the customs, the warmth of the people and so much more then I guess you should be allowed to feel a connection if you want. Even if you only have a little slice in yourself, like I do.

It's a bit like the way I still secretly consider my self a musician, despite not playing much music at all over recant years. I also discovered in my reading and searching a number of relatives who were musicians and singers. Once it's in your blood, I guess it's hard to ignore.

But I'm also lucky to know it isn't all about blood. In my case, it is also about the influence of people, other families and love. I was brought up within another family, whom I grew to love and had a huge influence on me. I believe, despite there being absolutely no blood related connection that they will always be a part of my ancestry. They also make me who I am.

I was lucky to have contact with all my blood relatives, but I know this is not always the case. I hope others find comfort in the people who had a real impact on their lives, never mind how they are connected.

When completing some family research about my Paternal Grandma I discovered that my Great Great Grandmother was in fact Maori. That was enough for me to consolidate my feelings and questions about my own ancestry. My Granny also has Scottish in her blood. What an interesting combo that makes!!! Warm musical people with a great sense of humour and a tendency to drink whiskey...............lovely.

After reading about the people who had gone before me I understand why the Maori language comes so easily to me, why I even bother to show an interest, why I'm drawn to the music and love teaching others about our bicultural country.

Bicultural? Not really.....no more. There are so many cultures that now make up a New Zealander. No space anymore for small mindedness I think. Our travels to live in the North Island have exposed our children to a wealth of culture, the good and bad. They are aware that the colour of people does not dictate a good friendship or person. My little pakeha/white children are not always the kind and decent ones either, to my horror. But it's the truth.

I'm very thankful we made the decision though, to expose them to more people and challenges.

So, like many other awareness weeks I embrace Maori language week in my own personal/private way. I love hearing the place names pronounced correctly (or well attempted) on the evening news and enjoy discussing greetings with my daughter during homework time.

It may be tokenism, but I think it helps keep a part of New Zealand alive. A part I would like nurtured, at least through my children.

Happy Maori week to you all

Aroha nui

Jaz xx

Perfect for lunchboxes

2011-07-05T11:54:00.003+12:00

I have used this recipe for lunchboxes a few times over the past couple of years. This year, Mark has also used it with success.

You can add almost anything to the basic recipe ingredients and even ice it to make it 'party worthy'.

It actually tastes like a yummy muesli bar and depending on what goodies you add to it - healthy to boot. (Ok, so it's got butter in it and I've seen the price of butter lately. But, if grabbed on special, these are kids that will also use the fat to their advantage during the day, so not much to worry about!!)

Honey Oat Slice

3/4 cup of white or wholemeal flour

1/4 tsp baking powder

3/4 cup of sugar

1 1/2 cups of rolled oats

2/3 cup of coconut

150g butter

1 tablespoon honey

pinch salt

Additional (add some or all)

1 tblspn pumpkin seeds

1 tblspn sunflower seeds

1 tblspn sesame seeds

1tblspn walnuts or almonds

Cranberries, Raisins, dried apricots, choc chips (1/2 cup of each, experiment with these yummy additions)

Oven temp = 180 degrees celcius

Toast seeds for extra flavour if desired.

Mix dry ingredients together.

Add melted butter and honey.

Press into a slice tray.

Bake 15 - 20 mins (until slightly golden and firm)

If icing this one, use lemon..............AMAZING!!!

AND..........very easily and safely adapted for Gluten sensitive people (change flour and baking powder). Although some Celiac suffers can't tolerate the oats, so check first.

Have a yummy week

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday

2011-06-30T14:16:00.006+12:00

Well.............

Not much to announce.........except for,

I HAVE FINISHED RADIOTHERAPY!!!!

I'm pleased to say that I have experienced no brain odema (swelling), no need for steroids, and continue to endorse Spirulina and Acai berry for recovery and coping with fatigue.

Despite some odd looks from the docs because I wasn't suffering from head splitting headaches, I am extremely proud of getting to this point.

I'm thankful to still have some hair, that my Lovely husband loves to cook for me (check out his new blog over here), that I don't need to travel back and forward to hospital each day, thankful that my eyesight has returned and I almost feel like a functioning human being. Phew.

So there you go. The next step of this journey complete. Time to snooze for a few days and then celebrate!! Yipeeeeee

Jaz xx

Frugal Winter Weekends

2011-06-28T17:45:00.005+12:00

During winter, especially when it is raining (which it's been doing a lot lately) our children get cabin fever. I'm always trying to think or dream up of ideas for keeping them away from the television. Ok......................delaying the television viewing until the afternoon at least.

The girls spent hours with a palette of water based paint, brush and a roll of paper towels. Ingenious! They loved every minute of it. I didn't spend any money getting them set up because we had all the ingredients in the house!

Paper towels aren't quite as good as coffee filters (which are A.M.A.Z.I.N.G) but the paints did bleed together, creating fun effects that certainly brightened up the day!!

I've seen the coffee filters used over on this blog HERE.

Even two year old hands could cope with the task, mostly unsupervised, and very happy.

Two busy artists.............NOT WATCHING T.V. !!!!!!!

See what appears after the rain :-)

Other frugal, rainy day activities we have done before were PIZZAS and PAPER-BEADS

Yay for ultra cheap entertainment.

Jaz xx

Brains vs Brawn/Beauty debate.

2011-06-25T08:12:00.007+12:00

So it's like this.

A girl walked into her local hospital the other day.

"Hi" greeted the nurse, "If you don't mind we'd like you to go to a different treatment machine today. Some technical issues" (smiles sweetly).

"Sure" (the girl smiles sweetly back)

Nurse announces on intercom. "Hi.............that brain I was talking to you about is on her way up!"

The girl was listening. (The nurse was suddenly horrified at this realisation).

The girl laughed. (The air in the room was suddenly lighter).

"Don't worry" she said to the embarrassed nurse, "I've been called far worse."

The girl moved on with a growing feeling of personal achievement. Finally known for her brains.

She could hear the distant cheers of suffragettes long passed.

Jaz xx

Do my boobs look big in this??? Thank You Thursday!!

2011-06-23T14:55:00.008+12:00

Oh what a day, what a day it has been. I feel emotionally drained. Time for a giggle I feel.

Today I need to talk about boobs. Mine to be exact.

Now.......before I give out the wrong impression, I'm really not a very foul mouthed or a sexually explicit person, I promise. (Although I just remembered I have posted about them before, maybe I do have a problem).

I have just realised this personal revelation.

My boobs are bigger.

How the heck did that happen????

For me, Tuesdays are often check up day with the Doctor asking many questions about my current state of health and how I might be coping with the radiotherapy treatment. I have, thus far, shared only good news and have not had to have any 'drug' intervention. YAY FOR MY BRAIN!

Tuesdays are also an excellent opportunity to ask any burning questions I might have.

Well.......the Tuesday just recently passed, I REALLY wanted to ask if radiation treatment can enhance the state of your womanly rack, boobs, what ever you want to call them.

I didn't ask :-)

But the truth is, after very happily breast feeding three babies my 'breasticles' were starting to look more like socks with a tennis ball in each dangling off my chest. Add in a little weight loss from the anxiety of a medical diagnosis made last year and even the tennis balls were barely present. I assumed, at that point that this was my lot. This is the payment and reward of breeding healthy and secure children.

I still didn't ask :-)

I think, the real reason is one of two things.

1. My pituitary gland is getting a work out during treatment and I am regressing to my younger self.

2. The nutritious brain feeding diet that I regularly consume is ensuring I maintain a healthy weight.

I'm going with number two, because I really don't want to be a teenager again, no sir-reeee!!

And as Breast tissue is mainly fat then I must say I am happy with my current fat/muscle ratio.

I think this might just be a little silver lining.

Silly one , I know.

Thanks for the revelation Thursday.

To all the owners of fabulous (fabulous being large and small) breasts.

I salute thee!

Jaz xx

So much cheese.........and chocolate!!

2011-06-22T09:05:00.006+12:00

It occurred to me that we really had much fun lately. I really miss having fun with the kids.

Recent events have left me exhausted and distracted, but I decided it also comes down to attitude. So I put on my happy face and played the glad game.

We went swimming.

Well.......I sat this one out, but got to take some pics and enjoyed watching the fun being had.

Love the way the older kids help the younger ones learn.

Awwww sisterly love!

Cheeeeese!!

We then decided to flag all good intentions of excellent nutrition for one night. A plate of fruit and lollies for dinner.

...oh, and chocolate :-)

Kinda like fishing really, trying not to let the big one get away.

We actually found some dairy free chocolate to melt for Phoebe so she didn't feel left out. She looked pretty mesmerized to me!!

Honestly, if you're going to do this you gotta go all the way. Almost anything is good when dipped in chocolate.

Oh and look, more cheese moments.

What a grin.

Jaz xx

Vlog Thankful Thursday!!

2011-06-15T09:59:00.005+12:00

Sorry about all the back light people, but it does make the front lighting appear softer, hence the smile lines are less obvious. Pleased about that :-p

Oh I got a bit of stage fright and forgot to send out best wishes from Mark and the girls, they are waving and saying hi too :-)

Have a great Thursday everyone!

Jaz

What to feed the troops!?!

2011-06-14T18:26:00.004+12:00

Hey now this has been done before. We've made sandwiches and all sorts in crazy shapes. Even the corny old smiley face plate version. But tonight Mark found the teeny tiny shape cutters and endeavoured to get Phoebe to eat more than a few crumbs.

Out of all our children, Phoebe is the most reluctant to eat anything that isn't covered with sugar.

The others actually prefer to eat veges and meat..........but not the Pheeb-meister!!

Pheeb-meister

Molly-meister

Edible teddy bears, stars and hearts.

I must admit, it wasn't all eaten. But we're pretty sure some vitamins and minerals were consumed along the way.

We will not be defeated !

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: I'm over half way!!!!!!

2011-06-09T16:25:00.004+12:00

It's true, yesterday was hump day, the half way point through Radiotherapy. YAHOOO!

I still have the dry mouth, drinking lots. A bit of brain fog, especially as the each week progresses. Fatigue, not unusual and expected. No headaches or nausea, which means my brain doesn't need steroids just yet, so I'm really pleased. My body is keeping it together.

I am however, and this wasn't at all unexpected, losing some hair. I had my hair cut a lot shorter so as to lessen the impact (for myself and others) before the therapy started. The hair loss is isolated to where the beams enter the scalp, so it will be patchy across the back of my head. My hairdresser, bless her, is confident though. She commented that if anyone had to have beams of radiation through their head, it's my head of hair that will survive. I have my birth father to thank for his DNA here. Of course, my mother will have contributed, but I've seen the 70's photos of luscious, thick, long dark hair he sported. I'm really grateful to have such a scalp load of the thick stuff myself.

When I run my fingers through it, it seems like loads is coming away. So much, Mark put the first load out into a tree for the birds. I'm proud to be supporting the building of local bird real-estate!!

I had been so brave and stoic up until then. Every time the docs mentioned the hair loss I just thought it was the least of my worries....and my head knows it is. But my heart............well that's another thing altogether.

So this Thursday I'm thankful for getting to the half way point, bearing up to the side effects, DNA, hair and the birds. All an important part of my life this week.

Jaz

It's a kids life!

2011-06-07T16:28:00.007+12:00

I love Mondays. The Boomtown Rats were soooo wrong.

Yesterday, thanks to Her Royal Highness Lizzie Windsor, I got to spend the day with all my kids. Thank you Ma'am.

We didn't do anything particularly interesting. Went through bedrooms and played with toys. Perfect!

Little Phoebe decided to do a photo-shoot of her favourite things. I was quite impressed at her patience and ability to 'hold still'.

Cash register close up

Monkey....I swear...none were harmed in the making of this!!

Mummy's knees and some bedroom floor mess

Books on shelf.....hee hee hee

Her feet ....tee hee hee......tooooo cute

A favourite book....... and pink knee

A carefully positioned pony.

Loving the simplicity of what makes a child happy.

Brilliant.

I also love that Caitlin saw this sunrise and took these photos from an upstairs window.

Yay for kids who appreciate the stuff around them :-)

And to finish, a funny story to tell you about Phoebe and learning to tell the difference between boys and girls. It began as early morning pillow talk, Phoebe lying in between Mark and I, far too early to be considered civilised.

Mark: "Phoebe.......is Daddy a girl or boy?"

Phoebe: "Daddy's a boy"

Mark: "And Mum?"

Phoebe: "Girl!"

Mark: "Is Molly a girl or boy?"

Phoebe: "Molly's a girl and Caitlin's a girl"

Mark: "So what about ****.........is **** a boy or girl? (Boy's name from preschool protected)

Phoebe (in a snarky voice) ****'s a grumpy old troll!!!

Yep she's got it sussed at an early age, no boys will be pushing her around this playground it seems.

Jaz

Thankful Thursday

2011-06-01T19:05:00.014+12:00

On the home-front:

Winter is here and little Phoebe has the most awful head and chest cold. Unusual, as she rarely gets ill. Accident prone, sure, but her immunity is amazing. This means Mark has had to take a few extra days off work to help supervise her. It's tough juggling family and job, but he's a star.

I couldn't resist getting the camera out this morning when I wandered into the dining room to see her golden locks bending over some playdough "lollies".

Gee, I wish I looked that good when I had caught a cold. The amount of green mucus one little head can produce is disgusting!!!! But she still looked gorgeously windswept, straight out of bed.

Caitlin is trucking along at school. She had reached the age of endless research projects, (which as both a Mum and teacher I sometimes object to), however the teacher's expectations are clearly communicated and my dear little Caitlin is amazingly motivated.

Molly is soooooo happy it is winter. Winter means more opportunities for DVD watching!!! She is mad on visual technology and I can imagine her turning it into a vocation in the future.

She very proudly announced receiving a certificate for trying hard in all areas of school. Way to go Molly!!

The medical front:

I have consented to receiving Radiotherapy on this brain tumour of mine. In fact I have successfully completed 9/27 days!!

The preparation stage:

This leg of the journey began with a plaster cast and then a plastic vacuum formed "shell" of my face and head made over two days. It's ok though. The shell does not cover your mouth or nose, so I never feel claustraphobic. I do however look like I'm auditioning for a part in a sci-fi movie.

7- 10 days were then spent planning the exact positioning and number of beams to be used.

This is TRIPLE checked (thank goodness, very reassuring).

CT scan and photos are taken and layers are built up on computer with my most current MRI images. Once again, very thorough. They want to target this tumour without causing too much unnessesary damage to the rest of my brain.

Just in case any of you out there ever need to know, you lie down on the machine, the head shell is placed over your face and locked onto the bed. The machine then whirrs around your head into the preprogrammed positions. It takes approx ten minutes. (Which can sometimes make the two hours travelling even more of a drag). But you do what is needed to get and stay well.

Day one of treatment arrived. I felt a little apprehensive but at least familiar with the surroundings. Mark found it a great deal harder. He was allowed to see inside the room, the machine, me being locked into the mask and then could watch on tv screen while the treatment commenced. He said it made him feel helpless and he just wanted to snatch me out of the head "shell" and run. I must agree. If I thought that was a realistic option I'd be right there beside him with my running shoes on.

At the end of week one the only real side effect was a dry mouth. A normal reaction to receiving radiation to your brain. Napping daily is important to recharge. I also hit the cross trainer for a gentle 1km stroll when I can as I find the traveling back and forward to Auckland hospital and constant resting can make me even more lethargic.

Thursdays and Fridays are the worst. The accumulative effect of three or four days of radiation makes me slow down even more by the end of the week. Weekends are bliss, I have every weekend off! Sleep time, recharging has taken on a new meaning.

As time goes on I feel remarkably calm. I'm doing everything I know to help my body cope with this process.

* plenty of sleep

* water (to help combat the dry mouth)

* Spirilina (God's gift to energy levels)

* Resveratrol and Pomegrante Supplements (antioxidents)

* Carrot and vege juices

* Mark's amazing spinach and flaxseed salads and home cooking

So I've entered a new world. Everyday I walk past the Oncology ward. I see the patients sitting in their chemotherapy chairs. On one side of me are elderly people either weak, sad and bald or trying to be brave and hopeful. The Oncology sign might as well have have flashing lights around it and a speaker blaring "CERTAIN DEATH". I don't why it initially brought such a feeling of dred, Oncology simply means 'the study of tumours'. Their are six Radiation machines that are always in operation (except for one maintenance day for each) and they are always fully booked. FULLY booked. Count your blessings and and hug your children people!!

I do know what this feeling of dred really was. If they hadn't found this tumour, if it wasn't being treated these very ill and sad looking people could be me. It's like getting a little snapshot of your future delivered to you. Nobody, especially in their thirties wants that vision of the future.

But in this new world I have also discovered something quite remarkable. Strength and Love. The pure human sort. The kind of strength people must find when they battle through the fear and surface on the other side. the kind of love people oooze when they know you must really need it. I'm now a part of this world.

It's almost like a club. Not one I would choose to be a patient of, but like in many clubs I am feeling a strong sense of comradery. We are all being brave, together.

So this week instead of being fearful, I now feel more love and care than anything. I try to smile at the weak and tired. Maybe my strength will help them through the day. If I become ill during this treatment I feel confident I'll get smiles in return.

The one other thing I do, for me every morning I'm locked onto that table is relax, visualise and pray.
Week one I decided that I need to stop the hate and resentment towards this tumour, instead every treatment session I thank this tumour for not being bad to me for so many years. It hasn't caused any nasty headaches or siezures. Then after thanking it, I then tell it I don't need it anymore.

I imagine it dark and black (cause a nasty version is blaring bright white on an MRI image and I do not want one of those!!!)
During the first week I could see the outside peeling off like a banana. This week the cells are crumbling off like a wall of little building blocks falling to the ground.
It doesn't matter to me that in reality the radiation will not have made much of a difference yet, it's about keeping hopes up and feeling even an ounce of control over a situation where I've been placed in the hands of other's expertise. Mark has even been known to participate in the visualisation techniques while he's out in the waiting room, I think it helps him to cope with the process as well.

So I'm pleased to tell you I'm in a much better place. Mentally I mean. Yep, I get scared but I'm determined not to let it feed off me anymore. Thankful Thursday reminds me of so many good things around me....us!!

Take care

Jaz xx

In my world: Part 2 (or part one continued)

2011-05-24T19:33:00.003+12:00

Sorry I've been hiding. Hiding from myself, the world, the tumour.

Everything.

All of it.

I didn't really want to. I thought I was doing ok. But suddenly, from out of nowhere came a brick wall (of emotion I guess) and I think I must have walked into it. Funny, cause ever since the operation on my brain I had a purpose. To recover, improve and get better.

Well I did that. I conquered all of it.

But I still have a tumour in my head.

I've just started reading John Kirwan's book All Blacks Don't Cry. All Blacks may not, but real men and woman certainly do. Mental health issues have been more topical and openly discussed here in New Zealand in recent years. Which is a great thing.

I think it is still relatively "taboo" and seen as a weakness by many.

Some people refer to their mental health issues as demons, black dogs and many other metaphors. For me, it has felt like a cloud or blanket. A fog even. Sometimes I felt oddly safe cowering underneath and then there were days when I was being smothered and couldn't breathe. I now add to my 'list of empathy'; brain tumour patients, stroke victims and depression sufferers.

So that's why I hid.

I now have got some more support and an expert help to listen and hear me out. I can scream, rant and rave to them without the fear of hurting them. They tell me it's ok to feel all of these things. In today's session they asked me what daily tasks made me happy before 'the diagnosis'.

I couldn't remember.

.........and then it came back to me.

I like contributing. To others' lives, childrens' lives, the community. I really miss that.

I was then reminded that sharing my ideas, thoughts and love with others IS contributing.

Recently people have made lovely comments at how sharing these things gives them hope, love and inspiration. I know I've got to put a lot of energy into me right now, but just maybe I can continue to inspire. Maybe I can even inspire myself.

So. I've been to the bottom. Thankfully, the only way from here onwards is up again. I'm walking the tightrope, climbing the skinny ladder and balancing the slippery beam.

Thanks for your blogs. Jeepers I love watching your families galavanting about each weekend, reminding me of what life is meant to be about.

So here I am. The good, bad and the gorgeous.

I really want to write again.

Thank you for reading. Thanks for your comments. You inspire me too.

Jaz

Yay for being a mum!!

2011-05-09T11:19:00.007+12:00

We had a relaxing day yesterday and as I read a smattering of blogs this morning, it seems like many mums had a great day yesterday.

I got to relax and hang out with all my family.

Don't you just love small handmade treasures full of preschool age love!?!

And the preschools who acknowledge these special days.......

Coolest message inside my cup of tea card.

Warm feet, warm heart.

An afternoon of chocolate.......mmmm.

I hope all mums had a relaxing and loving day yesterday.

Jaz xx

In my world: Part 1

2011-05-02T11:02:00.006+12:00

I've entered a new stage of recovery.

I think I might call it.............the 'plateau'. Everything seems to have stabilised and no more progress seems to have occurred. I'm not enjoying this bit.

I miss, waking happy, excited even!

I miss, going to sleep without wondering if there are nasty cells dividing and multiplying in my head.

I miss, helping my children across the road. Not the other way round.

I miss, driving.

I miss, just dropping everything and popping out to the shops.

I miss, going somewhere unsupervised.

I miss, the days when my biggest worry was deciding what to feed everyone for dinner.

I miss, the days when Radiologists, Neurologists and Opthamologists were not in my general discussions and thoughts.

I miss, being able to organise a surprise for my family without consulting them or having them with me.

I miss, my normally smooth nails that don't have deep ridges across them from one particular moment of physical and mental stress.

I miss, going to playcentre.

I miss, teaching.

I miss, picking up my children and chatting to the teachers and mums.

I miss, picking up my children without the glances and knowing looks.

I miss, just being mum and wife. Not the mum or wife "with the brain tumour".

I miss, the sunshine. This rain is unrelenting.

I miss, hanging out in the library, and having the focus to read a whole book.

I miss being able to post on here without tears.

To be continued..............

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday

2011-04-28T13:13:00.006+12:00

Not everyone living in the North of new Zealand is feeling blessed by rain. Many are bombarded and drenched in it about now. We have had a lot over the last 24 hours here in Whangaparaoa.

But being cooped up for hours, at home, is no good!

So when we noticed a break in the weather, jackets donned, we walked and swung like monkeys.

Our "down the end of the road" locals.

Not "in the mood" obviously. Sorry Phoebe.

Normally hours are spent on these over summer. We sometimes forget they are still standing out in the rain over winter. Despite being wet.........they are still fun!

Ending the afternoon with popcorn and a movie :-)

Thanks for your company over the previous two weeks girls!

Jaz xx

Easter and ANZAC

2011-04-25T19:14:00.004+12:00

What a great weekend. The weather has been unsettled, but a great excuse to eat chocolate and watch movies.

We did the normal family things, and the not so normal for us.

Date night for Mr Treacy and I. An early booking so as to avoid crowds, noise and to ensure I didn't fall asleep in my dessert. Thanks to inspration from a Masterchef episode, we chose to dine on Tapas. The restaurant; Bolero, in Albany was quite scrummy and just the fact that we were out in the evening together (despite the early hour), without kids to watch, was fab :-)

See.......it's night time and I'm still awake, (and Mark isn't holding me up either).

Thanks for a nice evening my lovely man!

Long weekends mean swings to be swung...

and enjoying a moment of sun.......

And despite the amount of chocolate consumed over the weekend, there is always time and space for ice-blocks.

ANZAC DAY: Phoebe has a new routine since daylight savings began. The 5.30am starts are a bit painful, but this morning it seemed appropriate. The sun rose outside our kitchen while the last post and pipes were playing on the live television coverage. I will attend a dawn service one day, but today I was glad to be snuggled up in my dressing gown as it was pouring down in the North this morning!! I guess those young lads sitting in trenches on a rainy morning many years earlier were no doubt thinking of their own warm kitchens back home.

Every anzac day we use Grandma's Edmonds cookbook to make the ANZAC biscuits. Two batches this year. Mark's perfectly executed and mine; tasty but without the rolled oats (oops). Silly error, but the taste delicious and both batches are CHEWY!! Love them. Check out last year's post on the ANZC topic here

Yummmmm......

And this..........which is in here cause it makes me giggle like crazy, is Phoebe's view of the world. Funny, happy girl!!

I hope your weekend break was memorable.

Jaz

Thankful Thursday: We rock the holidays

2011-04-21T10:05:00.011+12:00

I thought the holidays might be a challenge. I can't really leave the house with the children until the weekend when Mark is home, so we have had to make our own 'house fun'. Even then I need to migrate to the couch more often than not, the girls have coped just fine.

Oh the fun that's been made......

We've been rocking the house!

Thank goodness for music.

I love how sing star brings out the closet groovers....

the enjoyment.....

the moving love songs.

The concentration and attention to detail!!

Good times!!

Embarrassing mums!

A smidge of baking thrown in.

An older photo, but doesn't this just warm your heart. Children completing chores :-)

Oh and Meg (from MnM's)..........thank you. We love your messages of support and love xxx

Peace, love and loads of light for all of you and your families this Easter!

Jaz

Brrrrrrrrrr Winter has arrived in Whangaparaoa!

2011-04-18T19:29:00.003+12:00

It is decidedly cold in the winterless North today. Ok..........so I didn't grab a jersey as I left the house, but I actually wish I had.

Yes.

I left the house today.

To attend a hospital appointment to discuss my future. A bright and long future. The discussion was held with a particularly caring and empathetic registrar. I felt cared about and listened to. I really appreciate medical staff who treat us as people, not numbers.

I left the hospital feeling.................hopeful. Very hopeful. It's such a good feeling to have right now, this week, month, year!!

Ok, I'm really not into narcissism, I'm not that happy about having my photo taken BUT.........I have decided my hairdresser is an ANGEL. Who?............can recreate a fringe and hair style......when half of the front has been shaved off. My hairdresser!! A new parting, some cool layers, chuck a straightener through it and nobody would ever know. I am very pleased, and almost feel like me again. THE NEW ME!!!!

But back to the weather. It is COLD here today. I think I may have acclimatised since moving away from the South Island. This year I'm feeling it.

It is great to get out the layers again. I have missed wearing my boots and scarves. Bring it on!!!

See, the sea view was quickly disappearing under rain clouds.

See, the outside balls are sitting idle and some even weathering.........

See, the sand pit, come toybox is catching rainwater.

And the swing is sad and lonely :-(

Even the mint is looking less green and the Pukeko isn't prancing ;-)

Sadly the strawberries are wintering down.

Happily, the blankies and remote are handy.

.........and the girls are enjoying a range of easter crafts.

Welcome to the North, Winter!!

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday

2011-04-14T11:55:00.003+12:00

Sand fun with mum

Buried feet

Visits from our Christchurch Uncle

An image repeated from previous beach visits, but now she looks soooo much older.

Nothing like the baby she used to be.

Thankful for the BEACH!

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday

2011-04-07T09:41:00.004+12:00

I realise I have posted about this stuff before. But I truly believe it has made a significant difference in my recovery and brain fatigue. I read that it actually crosses the brain/blood barrier (unlike other substances) so it actually makes a real difference. A HUGE difference!!

If you haven't tried it, do.

I use it to kick start the day and then another 1/2 teaspoon dissolved in juice just before the kids get home (a demanding part of my day). You can actually buy it in tablet form, so even more convenient for working or busy people. Even your healthy brains would benefit!! (Ok, sales pitch over.....and I'm not even getting commission for this!! ;-)

Thankful for the growing independence of my children, I think :-)

Thankful for homemade purple play-dough. Therapeutic and entertaining.

Thankful that I have enough energy to watch this little girl two days a week now. Thankful that, with encouragement, she will still have an afternoon nap for me, and that Mark returns home early to lighten the load (Thank you Irwin Tools!!) I also sleep especially well by the end of these days. I just need my eyesight to return so it doesn't look like two little girls running around, LOL.

Thankful for silly faces.

Jaz

We love carrot cake.

2011-04-06T11:26:00.006+12:00

It seems that I now measure life, quality life, by small, but realistic achievements.

The first post operative cake, another small but achieved task.

It was moist and delicious. Cooked for just the correct length of time and with a hint of double vision thrown in the mix. (In fact, I may be better at making cakes now. Maybe a little more careful and "uped" my game!!)

OR maybe the 'baking' section of my brain has been officially activated. Oh I hope so!! :-)

I have noticed that the high calorie hospital diet and lots of resting has caught up a little. My curvy figure would sure please Renaissance artists, but my jeans are getting trickier to squeeze on LOL.

But, I know, I probably needed some meat on these bones, even before the operation. Pre operative stress was making the kgs just fall off. I am learning to be happy with all the changes.

I have a booking with my hairdresser this weekend. Some serious grooming and pampering is going to occur. Restyling of the partially shaved hairdo (growing back quickly I might add), and taming of eyebrows are on the menu. Sounds a little trivial, but I can't wait.

AND........ after living in hospital gowns and then a suitcase of the same items, week after week. I'm going to order some new clothes! Oh thank goodness.

I even threw out my conditioner a few days back. The smell reminded me of all the struggling, exhausting showers I took while in hospital. It really is time to keep moving forward, into the next chapter. It isn't easy every day. Some days are harder than others. But it's good to know you are still all out there (even when you are busy with your own lives and I don't post for a few days because I can't find anything to write about).

Oh and it's jolly good to have cake :-)

The pic doesn't really do it justice. But we sure did enjoy it!!

Hope your week is ticking along just fine.

Jaz xx

My turn!

2011-04-01T19:39:00.002+13:00

Well its been a few weeks since my last blog, Jaz has taken full control which to be fair was a huge relief as I found writing both therapeutic and a burden especially when Jaz was very ill. I remember writing every night to keep you all updated which I really wanted to do but the only problem was that when it came to proof reading before posting I often got quite emotional!!! They were tough times and I think I was almost running on autopilot for most of it!

As I write this entry Molly and Phoebe are in bed happily reading and Caitlin and her friend are watching Glee on TV. Tonight Sophie and Caitlin are having a sleep over for her 11th birthday.

Jaz is having a nap, today has been a big one for her. A walk on the beach with a friend, the creation of a perfect Carrot Cake for Caitlin and the dentist! She is such a trooper. Regardless of her condition that woman always tries to do her bit.

So while all is quiet I thought Id sneak on here and catch up with you all!!!!

Life has been a lot better since Jaz came home, the girls are so happy to have Mum back. Its so nice to see them around their mum. Jaz is a wonderful mother, caring, loving, understanding and always there for each of them. You can imagine with 3 girls demanding her attention she always manages to give them enough of what they need - their Mothers love. When Jaz was in hospital a social worker said to me that I have the perfect opportunity to bond with my girls while she was in hospital. I think we have, and Im thankful for the opportunity but even more thankful that our little family is complete once again.

So the girls are happy Jaz is home but I think I might be even happier!!! I remember when I saw Jaz for the first time almost 16 years ago, my heart skipped a beat then and I still experience that feeling now. There is no other person I would want to spend my life with.

So life seems to be going along nicely, we still have challenges along the way but with each others support and love that tumor doesn't stand a chance.

Well thats it from me!!!

Great talking to you all again

Be safe

Mark

Thankful Thursday: Happy birthday to our first born!!

2011-03-31T11:47:00.011+13:00

Today we celebrate an 11th birthday. With two days of lasagna, ice-cream, carrot cake, toasted marshmallows, movies and a quiet sleepover (who am I kidding??)

We are very proud of our 11 year old and look forward to the next eleven years (I think) :-)

Check out here for last year's birthday post. Ten years seemed such a huge milestone to have achieved.

Last year's cake was posted here. No fancy pants cakes this year. I'm going for quick and scrumptious (with lashings of cream cheese icing).

Happy birthday to our lovely girl. We are very thankful to have you in our lives.

Jaz

The impatient patient!

2011-03-25T10:44:00.007+13:00

Ok so..........it's Friday and I should have done a Thankful Thursday post yesterday, but I was in such dark mood I didn't want to injure anyone with my sharp words.

Woke up this morning, feeling a whole lot more positive, and after a walk on the local beach with a mate and feeling the rain on my face. Yep, I realise I'm still ok and happy to be alive.

I seem to have another disease, and some dis - ease it is sure causing me. Yesterday's dark mood was born from what I refer to as the "recovering person's impatience". I actually feel fabulous at the moment. My fatigue is well and truly under control (with a good diet, and plenty of sleep etc), and my physical and cognitive self are totaly 'with it'.

But my eyes are not :-(

I have ongoing swelling (which takes a LONG time to go down) which is completely confusing my eyes. As I was always slightly shortsighted anyway, my brain has got a whole lot of shite to deal with. I feel as if I'm in a bubble behind streaky or blurry glass. My head feels clear, but my bubble is not. As I'm also not permitted to drive for another four months I feel a little trapped in this bubble of mine. I can't share this bubble with anyone, no body else can truly understand. I feel so energised and well at the moment, it doesn't seem fair to have to keep still so my eyes can cope. The closest I come to real exercise (except for the occasional supervised beach walk) is the cross trainer, where I can take a simulated walk as such because I don't trust my visual judgement to go out for an actual walk by myself.

So I was feeling very sorry for myself yesterday. I wanted to be thankful, but I could only think of yucky things like snails and puppy dog tails. So sulked on the couch for the evening.

You see I have this thing about being positive on my blog. I don't like spreading misery.

But just to let you know, I will always try very hard to be positive in these discussions with you. I'll try not to let you worry too much. I don't really want my blog to become an agony aunt or medical consult. I just want to chat. Maybe vent a little, but there are days when this whole thing is SO yuck. I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend life is normal.

A new normal. A couple of people had said this to me and I appreciated it. Like after an earthquake as well I guess. Our new normal. My new normal.

So what to do when you feel yuck and burying your head isn't the answer? When all your vestibular system can cope with is sitting still.

I got out the guitar. Funny, 'cause I can't even play the damn thing!!! But I could remember three chords, the arm responded by strumming fairly evenly and I'm thinking that I don't even have to have my eyes open to make music. Not that my playing can be called music............yet.

But I've got all the time in the world haven't I?? Sitting still, healing, strumming gently, humming a tune. Doesn't sound too bad huh? By the end of this whole process I might even know more than my three chords.

I would like to share my thankfulness though. Seeing as I'm in a much better head space than yesterday.

So.................

I like to thank those organisations that are allowing Cantabrians and fellow New Zealanders the opportunity to support the Christchurch recovery and rebuild from afar.

These cool t-shirts can be purchased here!

Check out The Edge website as they have some very cool ones also.

These bands can be purchased online from here or at many local postshops around NZ.

Jaz

Thankful Thursday

2011-03-17T09:38:00.003+13:00

Thankful Thursdays are back!!!

Today I am grateful that I can muck around with the camera and my baby girl. Despite the unmade face, the partially shaved head and carefully positioned head band, and dodgey post- operative eyesight..............I'm still very thankful!! Thankful to be playing with a 2 1/2 year old. (I doubt I'll ever complain about little pet-shop role-play games ever again LOL)

Have a great weekend..............and be thankful!!!!!!

Jaz

Why?

2011-03-15T12:50:00.003+13:00

Ok.

So I have been thinking about some post operative stuff.

I spent an hour or so rereading all of Mark's posts he wrote while I was being operated on and then after.

All I can say is.............gee wizz.

I cried through most of them. Crying for me, Mark, my children and my friends who followed the saga.

I didn't cry because the content was new, no, I had caught up on the operation and resulting consequences. I cried because of the fear and worry that was surrounding me and the situation at the time. I was overwhelmed with the feelings involved.

I'm so pleased that Mark felt he could update the blog so regularly. I hope it helped him cope with his feelings too.

But reading these posts brings and unsettling thoughts to the surface for me. While I was in rehab I was surrounded by people trying to overcome varying types of adversity. I found myself talking to many of my fellow "inmates" trying to encourage them to stay positive and strong. I was sad that so many of these beautiful people felt let down by their bodies, brains, medical system and lives.

Eventually I began to feel a bit like a fraud. My brain was making new connections very quickly. It was becoming obvious to those around me that I was "different". I actually left rehab two weeks before the staff anticipated because I felt I had outgrown the place and my home environment could offer me the challenges I now needed.

Scientifically and medically my brain looked a bit messy on discharge from hospital into rehab. The prognosis was grim. Sure, they all thought I'd recover, but to what extent and in what timeframe was still in question. Poor old Mark was told I should recover in 18 months.

Good grief............

So why?

Why did my brain decide to get cracking and come back. How come I got a second chance??

Why can't these other people in rehab get their brains working again for them yet??

I'll never forget a conversation I had with a man who was recovering from a stroke and had just discovered that morning that sensation had returned to his paralysed hand. I was overjoyed for him and with him. It made me feel like their was hope and I encouraged him. Telling him that this happened to me...........I could share and empathise.

Why do some people just accept what is happening to them and yet lose hope? I guess when recovery is slow, the progress is so less obvious that they feel less motivated.

When I woke in hospital I assumed I was no different. I gradually became aware that I wasn't quite as I was before the operation. I now realise that I was actually setting myself goals all along the way. To get out of HDU, to move into a general ward, to get to the toilet unaided, to move my hand. Small but very important goals for me and my family.

Why? How?

So now that I'm beginning to feel stronger I'm starting to wonder what I'll do with my second chance. I need more time to recover, but I can't help wondering. It's in my nature, to plan, review and prepare.

Will I use words to help others in a similar situation? No idea.

Will I go back an encourage others struggling to stay positive during recovery? Quite possibly.

Whatever happens I am very grateful for my second chance. I'm glad to have a future to plan for. Even if that does mean going through more treatment and living with this growth for the rest of my life..........at least I was told I have a future. Time to set some more goals and be grateful for coming back to my lovely life.

Jaz

Getting back in touch with the blogging world.

2011-03-13T19:52:00.005+13:00

Ok, so if I was in charge of managing this blog.....I'd have probably have fired my sorry behind by now.

Sorry , for my absence. You all know how much I enjoy writing and this blog in particular. I miss it.

But arriving home has required a certain amount of adjustment.......for all of us. I'm learning how to manage my new self. Which is actually a lot like the old self, that just needs a little more care and attention.

Mark has removed himself from blog writing for now as he is now looking after me and the kids full time as a well as juggling some hours back at work. He cooks healthy, brain loving meals for me EVERY DAY!!!! I don't make the lunches either. This is why I am able to manage my fatigue levels so well. Because I am very much loved and cared for.

We're actually doing ok. Everyday is a little different.

Two days ago I was having an emergency CT scan (just checking for fluid build up etc) and today I was strolling along the beach with my family. You can guess which day I preferred obviously!!!

BUT....................I don't just lie about the house sipping cocktails either. I have discovered that with a good daily plan I can achieve quite a bit. Breakfast and showering is now less exhausting. Rallying up the kids for school is manageable (even if I am still in my dressing gown) . I even baked muffins this afternoon!!! (As you all know, this requires following a recipe and remembering not burn the oven's contents. I did all of that!!). My memory is really very good now. I can and have helped with homework, which is great for my cognitive processing etc etc. I surprise myself how quickly my brain wants to repair itself. I was so worried that I may never teach or work in education again. My confidence is returning.

Fatigue is my current enemy. But I have been reminded and I also believe that if I fight it or treat it as the enemy I'm really not ever going to be able to move forward.

Fatigue is the reason why Mark isn't back at work in full capacity yet, the reason why I nap before school finishes each day so i can cope with the noise and commotion. It's why I chose one job to achieve each day eg a load of washing, wiping down bathroom.

Rehab has taught me to be kind to myself, listen to my body and let it repair itself. If I don't, the fatigue is likely to hang around much longer. I am listening, I promise you.

To change the topic. I am horrified at the devastation I witnessed in Japan. I can't believe I was sitting in my lounge, watching a giant wave hit the coast LIVE. Isn't the media awesome and horrific all at once. These sort of events certainly remind us how precious and unpredictable life really is.

I hope your life is positive at the moment or you are at least able to find the positive around you.

Jaz

Home!!

2011-03-04T13:08:00.000+13:00

I am home.................phew!!

Jaz

2011-02-26T07:35:00.005+13:00

Hi ya all

I'm home for another weekend and as Mark put in his recent post, home for good in FOUR days.

I must admit, despite wanting to see my family, I'm scared. I'm really not the same person who left for hospital five or so weeks ago.

But I am still as positve as ever. So maybe it'll be ok. Who'd ever have thought I'd be frightened of my own children? I can't believe I'm in this position. But I have a feeling, with team work we will be just ok.

I really liked Mark's recent post. So raw and honest.

Christchurch. My heart aches for you. I know if our current circumstances were different, Mark would already down there, sleeves rolled up and shovel in hand. He's good like that. Instead, I need him here. But our thoughts and love is definately with you.

The images are gut wrenching. It reminds me how lucky I am to be alive and kicking. I hope the bodies are retrieved quickly for personal closure and the rescuers can cope with their unenviable job.

I was born in Christchurch. Grew up there and know many who are very special to me. I'm pretty sure they are all accounted for, but I have a feeling I will hear of many people with connections to our friends and family. In tragedies like this that's just how it goes.

Many say that buildings can be rebuilt and a city can recover, but I feel differently. I know it is a blessing that many survived, but I'm a real building person. I believe people put huge amounts of love into their buildings. They work every day in them, creating strong relationships.

I feel very sad for the loss of what was ChCh. People will grieve these losses, just like the beautiful people they have also lost. I look forward to the day when ChCh stands up again, streches itself and becomes whole.

Changing the subject..............

I recieved a very special gift yesterday. A Pounamu fish hook from some very special people.

It hangs around my neck, close to my heart and very warm. Hei - matau represents strength and determination. It brings peace, prosperity and good health. A very warm thank you to the following people; Hilary, John M, Adam, Lynley, Pete R, Jo C, Robin and Valerie for thinking of me.

An extra special thank you to Matt who delivered the gift personally. We had a very quick, but great catch up, having not seen each other since about 1990. An old, but still important school mate. I feel so honoured to know these people, who were fellow students but older than me. Friends of my parents, it is obvious now that friendship can last over a long time and distance. I am so very grateful for this.

Wow, look at how much I have written. Another milestone met? Yeeeeehaa!!!!

But my neck now aches............so. I guess I'll chat again at the end of the week.

Jaz xx

Coming Home

2011-02-24T21:51:00.002+13:00

Its been a tough few days for Jaz the girls and I as we watch the devastation of our beloved city Christchurch on the the TV and through messages from our family. I was born and bred in Christchurch and I have the same feeling in my stomach that I experienced a few weeks ago when Jaz was very ill.

There are no words I can say that will make things better and I can only imagine how those effected are feeling so all I will say is we think about you all daily and wish we were there to share the pain with you. Both Jaz and I talked today about if this was to happen anywhere in New Zealand the Cantabrians are probably the best equipped to handle this situation.

On the home front Phoebe had her first day at Daycare yesterday and I finally got into the office. I did worry alot about how she would cope but was pleased to find when collecting her how happy she had been with her new friends and toys. Next week she will attend on Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday. We hope to increase this another day when a space is available.

My anxiety levels have risen around not being able to work to my full capacity. I have always worked and have always given my employer the best I can possibly give so I find it very hard to be in this situation of working part time from the home and office. I know in time it will get better and I hope both my employer and I can work through this difficult time. To date they have been a pillar of support and strength which makes me feel incredibly loyal to the company.

Jaz has had another great week and has finally been given a discharge date. She will be home next thursday! Wonderful wonderful news. There is a real buzz of excitement in the house. It would have been 6 weeks since Jaz left for the hospital, it seems like such a blur.

Her recovery will continue at home, fatigue will be our enemy for at least another 6 months and then they intend to chuck in energy sapping radiation. She is alive and we need to be thankful for that but she did get quite upset today saying that regardless of all she has been through in 5 weeks the tumor is just the same.

Its something that I think will be a major issue for her as she comes to terms with having a tumor in her head for years to come. When you think about it, its very scary. The thought of having a growth nestled in the heart of your brain growing and taking up space. Will it remain benign? Will it cause a seizure? Will it shorten her life? Questions that we will confront the surgeon when we meet in the upcoming weeks.

Well thats about it from me this week, Jaz will be home again this weekend so Im sure she will publish an update on Saturday.

Love to all especially those in Christchurch

Mark, Jaz and the girls.

Jaz's update!!

2011-02-20T08:45:00.006+13:00

Well life at rehab plus is actually ok. They work me so hard I have sore muscles to prove it.

Aside from the homesickness and missing mark and the girls terribly, I can now see a real purpose, and even progress. Phew!

For friends and family here's my list of recent improvements:

My right side is fully functional now. Just a remains a little weak. Physio is sorting that out,

My memory is coming back, slowly but surely. Things I couldn't do last week are suddenly popping into my head.

I dropped to 49 kgs in hospital and already have got back up to 53.5kg. YAY!!!!

I can now do several pages in a children's puzzle book. Of course it is rewarding because it is now EASY and every page is bringing success!!

I can walk up and down stairs, without holding on.

I can problem solve and calculate percentages with and without a calculator.

I can even take down accurate phone messages for everybody now.

And unfortunately this is about where I run out of steam. Stamina is not a current strength. But comes with time.

Until next week, I'll look forward to sharing with you again.

Jaz

Week 4

2011-02-19T07:05:00.002+13:00

Well its Saturday morning and Im lying in bed with Jaz and Phoebe watching Rory the Racing Car on the kids channel.

Jaz has just eaten her first breakfast of bananas on toast followed by a peppermint tea. Her eating habits now mirror that of a hobbit with frequent meals through out the day. I checked out her feet last night for any unusual hair growth!!!

My apologies for not posting this week, Ive just had so much going on with schooling, playcentre, work and running the household. We have tried to visit Jaz everyday and even managed to have dinner with her at hospital on Thursday night.

The girls have had a great week. Phoebe starts daycare next week so this week we visited every morning in preparation for the big day. I was upset about her having to go to daycare but she seems to really enjoy it, its only for 2 days at this stage and both Caitlin and Molly went at her age. Plus I really need to spend some time in the office. Not only to work but to have some Mark time again.

Caitlin had a sleep over with her mate Sophie last night, she was meant to join the junior choir yesterday so hopefully when she gets home this morning she will be able to break the good news to her very musical mum!

Molly always has good days, she amazes me with her ability to get on with things without a worry. Im a naturally anxious person and struggle at times with her attitude on life. How can it take 10 minutes to brush your teeth?

She lost a tooth early in the week which has been a real highlight for her as the tooth fairy came. I could almost see her trying to work out what her mouth was worth when she found the dollar coin in place of her tooth!!!!

Jaz continues to work hard and is progressing well. Changes are much smaller now but that was expected. The Occupational therapists and Physiotherapists push her everyday with physical exercises and normal day to day tasks. Her stamina has improved and yesterday when chatting to our good friend Neil Brown I saw my old Jaz again!!!

She is home again this weekend, yesterday we went to Stanmore bay Primary school to collect Molly. Jaz meet Mollys teacher and then caught up with all of her teaching and mum friends. It was great to her catch up and have some normality in her day. On a selfish note it was nice to see that our lives will get back to normal.

Well thats about it. Jaz will post a blog tomorrow, today we are heading out to visit a friends new baby before settling into the couch for the Crusaders Blues game tonight. Yes the phone will be off the hook as I watch Todds mighty men dismantle the flashy "try hard" blues! Jaz still needs regular sleeps so we all need to be mindful not to push her to hard especially me.

Have a great weekend

Mark

Sink or Swim

2011-02-13T11:13:00.002+13:00

I'm going back to rehab soon, I'll leave you with a poem I wrote during the week.

Will you be the one to Sink or Swim:

or will you just float until the tide takes you where ever

I have a fight on my hands

A fight against myself - a battle of wills

A fight with myself - until I achieve my current goals

I want to scream "why me?!"

But I never bloody answer back.

Until then I'll just continue to........

Swim

Jaz

Hi...........I really am alive in here

2011-02-12T16:31:00.001+13:00

Hey.................its me. Really!!!!!

This will be short post. But one that has taken a while to write and is completely full of love and gratitude.

To my well wishers. A big thank you. Your love, words and gifts have been beautiful.

To my girls. Your mum will come back, little by little. Have faith.

To my best friend and husband. This is your greatest challenge yet. I am humbled by your love and dedication.

So much to say, not enough energy.

Love you

Jaz

Home Visit

2011-02-10T20:26:00.003+13:00

Today was a big day for all with Caitlin and Molly working very hard at school and Phoebe and I attending our very first Play centre visit together.

The ladies at Play Centre were fantastic making me feel very welcome and continuing to offer cooked meals and lots of support. Phoebe had a great time but I think I probably had the most fun playing in the sand pit with the boys. It was a great distraction from our current situation we both left just after 12pm absolutely exhausted!!!

Jaz had another productive day of speech and language therapy and physiotherapy. She continues to strengthen physically but still fatigues very quickly so her Doctor has allowed Jaz to come home this weekend.

The girls have no idea Im picking Jaz up tomorrow and I have to meet with the Staff nurse to discuss the rules of her release tomorrow!!

As she fatigues very quickly we are not allowed to take her out of the house, she will need bed rest every couple of hours and noise and other distractions must be kept to a minimum. But its going to wonderful for all of us to be together again for the first time in 3 weeks.

After talking to Jaz tonight she suggested over the weekend together she would like to write a post in the blog. So stay tuned for Jasmines big come back!

To finish Id like to say a big thank you to you all out there for your support and love. Even though we are along way away from family I never feel alone. This blog has gotten me through some tough times and pretty soon I know that it will help Jaz get through her transition back into life as she once new it.

Rehab

2011-02-09T20:20:00.002+13:00

Well Jaz has settled into her new room at Rehab Plus. Its a nice place. Her ward has 14 other patients mostly amputees and a few stroke victims. Its a very relaxed atmosphere where patients are expected to both rest and complete day to day tasks. The staff are great and we feel very welcome.

Her progress has slowed which is expected, she functions well but is very tired and still struggles to concentrate and stay focused on a task, but to be fair she is doing amazingly well.

She is now well aware of what has happened and is going through the grief and anger phase that I went through almost 10 days ago. She really wants to go home but also understands that she isnt ready yet. Tonight we chatted about what happened during the operation and how together we will manage the kids especially Phoebe, work and life together. It upset her and I reassured her that what ever happens we will manage together. Just as our wedding vows said "In sickness and in health "

On the home front the girls are enjoying my mothers cooking and Hayley and little Lillys company. Phoebe is starting to eat and sleep again which has been a big relief. Visiting Jaz has also helped and will be even more fun at Rehab Plus as there is a large yard the girls can play in when visiting.

Big thanks to everyone at Ashley School your cards and gifts were wonderful and put smiles on everyones faces.

Results

2011-02-07T20:57:00.002+13:00

Jaz is doing really well. Yesterday I bought her a portable DVD player. So as I write this Jaz is enjoying Billy Connelly in the comfort of her hospital bed!

Her recovery continues to progress her vision is improving along with strength and coordination.

She continues to surprise us all including the Surgery team.

The Hospital has decided this morning to transfer her out to a Rehabilitation Centre tomorrow. We are all very excited and so happy that we are one step closer to having Jaz home.

In regards to Jasmines results the news is good. Jaz does not want me to go into detail but her Dr has promised us they will put together a very good treatment plan.

Her tumor is very slow growing and at this stage is benign. Treatment will include a Shunt, Radiation and possibly Chemotherapy.

We meet with the Radiation team in 2 weeks to discuss the plan of attack.

We are both happy and relieved with the results and look forward to our time together and what ever the future has on offer for us.

To finish Jaz wanted me to thank everyone for their support over the past couple of weeks. Its only now that she realizes what we have all been through.

The Visit

2011-02-05T20:52:00.002+13:00

Jaz had another good day today. I took the kids in and we spent 3 hours together watching movies and catching up on hugs!

Mum and my sister Hayley arrive tomorrow so I have a busy day. I meet with the registrar on Monday with Jaz to discuss her results and future treatment. I will update the blog in full Monday night.

2011-02-04T21:15:00.002+13:00

Just a quick update today. Im pretty buggered with this whole situation catching up. Evening visits mean I get home just before 9pm then if Phoebe hasn't settled it can turn my day into a long one.

Jaz continues to strengthen. Luke visited this morning as I didn't want to drag Phoebe up to the hospital again.

I have just gotten back from my evening visit. She is still very anxious but after a long chat about the what ifs Im hopeful that she will get a good nights sleep.

She is now very aware of the what ifs that might come with the biopsy result and amount of time away from home for rehab etc. I reassured her we should take things week by week and she asked that I be present for the results.

I dressed her in some new PJs lots of stripes, with her eye patch and stripy PJs I made comment she looked like a Wheres Wally pirate character. She scolded me with that lovely big smile!

Those of you that have sent her texts please be aware she cannot see her phone very well so don't be offended if you do not get a reply.

She is allowed flowers and cards etc now so please either send them direct to her Ward 83 Auckland Central Hospital or to our home address and I will deliver on your behalf.

I confronted the staff nurse in regards to the broken blood vessel during the operation, she explained that it was a consequence of the operation and that this was explained in the consent form.

Tomorrow I will take all 3 girls up to see her. A welcome reward for them all after a tough first week at school.

Thankful Thursday

2011-02-03T21:07:00.001+13:00

Another pretty good day today.

I've just got back from the hospital. Jaz still isn't ready for visitors or phone calls. She explained to me she wanted more time to get better before taking on the outside world. Im pretty sure her confidence will have improved by Monday

She is better physically but fatigues very quickly. I will know more about her overall condition after the Occupational Therapist calls me tomorrow.

I took Phoebe into see her this morning, it took little P awhile as Mum has a funny haircut and wears a patch over her eye. Her vision is stilled blurred and only sees double. It should correct itself in time.

Phoebe watched a DVD on our laptop while Luke and I chatted with Jaz. Then she finally came round and gave Jaz a big kiss and hug.

She happily left Jaz at the end of the visit with a wave and big smile. On Saturday I will take all 3 of them in and we will finally be together as a family once again!!

On the medical front we still dont have the biopsy results and the Registrar confirmed that other than the biopsy the tumor is pretty much the same as it was before she was omitted last Sunday. It was just too dangerous and risky to remove any more than the biopsy.

I asked Jaz tonight if she would like to contribute to todays thankful thursday. She replied

"Im thankful Im here today" Jaz xx

General Ward

2011-02-02T12:26:00.007+13:00

Caitlin started college today. After kicking Molly out of the car as we drove past her school (not quite please don't ring social services) Caitlin, Phoebe and I headed to Whangaparaoa College. I was really impressed with the way they handled the new year sevens. All of the 7th formers were present to welcome the new kids and parents to the school and to steer us in the right direction. I never thought Id ever say this but high school kids seem so tall!! Anyway we were all nervous but Caitlin found an old class mate and then said to me "I think Im ok Dad" we kissed, Phoebe cried and I walked off amazed at how well she handled the whole situation!

Our Neurology support person (Adele) rang me this morning to discuss the future. We now need to start planning where Jaz will start her rehab.

There are still so many unknowns so I find it very hard to make solid decisions. Decisions that could see us possibly relocate back to Christchurch. When I think ahead I really struggle to work out how I could possibly juggle 3 kids, work, home and a sick wife miles away from my family. When everyone has finished visiting I will have to do all of those things myself. Then there's our house, full of stairs and multiple levels.

Adele suggested I made no decisions until I receive the results of the biopsy. Fingers crossed all goes well with that.

Jasmines progress continues to go from strength to strength. The Nurse showered and washed her hair last night so she looks and smells all lovely and Jasmine!!! She is able to walk short distances and now even goes to the toilet herself. Just needs a little help getting there.

Luke covered the morning shift and I have just got home from the evening shift. Because of fatherly duties I hadnt been to see her since yesterday morning.

She is improving so well. Physically the arm naturally tucks up against her chest but she is conscious of having to use it. She is now even starting to think about her future.

It was kind of weird for me because she often reassured me that everything was going to be ok. I feel so much better knowing that I have my partner almost back with me.

Tomorrow she has a 2 hour assessment with the Occupational Therapist and from there we will know when and how long Jaz will be at the Rehab centre.

It looks like her physical capabilities will come back faster than her ability to process information. But obviously after tomorrow we will both know more. Im just happy to have someone to hug again.

I mentioned yesterday that Jaz wanted to be well enough to be transferred to the general ward well they have decided to move her tomorrow morning a huge step forward.

I have a few people Id like to thank today. I do hope to speak to you in person some day but until then thank you to Paisley Jade and MNM. Jasmines blogging buddies who sent lovely gifts to Jaz today. I opened your parcels with her and read your letters and cards to her tonight. She was so happy and shed a tear. Thanks. She looks forward to a herbal tea in the ward tomorrow and uses her knitted man to exercise her right hand.

To Bob and Bernadette for the lovely gift basket that also had toys for the girls. Phoebe squealed with excitement.

Also the Play centre mums continue to pepper me with pies, quiche's, muffins, salads and cakes. You guys are just the best. Cant wait to catch up with you all next Wednesday.

The Nurses and Hospital aides also need a mention. They look after us so well. And of course are very proud of Jasmines achievements

Well as you can see we have an awful lot going on but Im pleased to say that Jasmine is making great progress. Stay tuned for tomorrows update.

PS I found a Speaker cushion at Bed Bath and Beyond. The last one in the country. Thanks to the girls at Albany for locating it for me.

Standing up!

2011-02-01T13:51:00.001+13:00

After posting yesterday I had dinner with Luke and the kids then headed into hospital for my routine evening visit. A nice quiet visit where I can either read or relax with Jaz.

I found Jaz in pretty good spirits, a DR had just finished putting another stitch in her drain wound. We chatted for a while and then I noticed that her pillow case was wet. Her drain wound was leaking cerebral fluid!

We went through 2 pillow cases while I was up there!!! I headed home after much assurance from the Nurses that this often happens only to receive a phone call from the Nurse around 11pm saying they want to remove the drain all together and if she cannot cope without the drain the will have to ring me requesting consent!

No sleep last night!!!

She is managing to control the cerebral fluid in her head at this stage. Still closely monitored but if her good progress continues her operations for shunts (internal drains) will not progress this week.

Today Jaz continues to improve. She can now get in and out of her bed with a fair amount of help from a nurse onto a chair for meals. Breakfast and lunch today and maybe all 3 meals tomorrow. Progress continues for Jaz along with her being verbally and physically frustrated with the whole situation. But she has made her first short term goal which is to make it out to the general ward. With that comes increased visitor numbers (I can take all of the girls in at once!) telephone access and maybe a TV.

On the home front little Miss Phoebe has developed tantrums screaming she wants her mum. It cuts me to pieces but I hope in time she will grow to our current situation.

Molly had her first day back today. She immediately caught up with everyone in her class. She is our very forward carefree sociable girl. After having a chat to her teacher I wished Molly a good bye only to hear her telling her mates that Mum has something in her head and might die!!! Her mates commented how cool that was and I left the school blubbering!

I meet with my Manager from New Zealand and Australia today. My fear of not being able to do my job or lose everything Id worked towards was a major anxiety.

They assured me that everything was going to be ok and they would support my family for as long as I needed. I feel privileged to be part of the Irwin team and want to thank all of my buddies in both New Zealand and Australia for their support. I hope to be contributing to the business again very soon.

As I write this one of the mums from Phoebes playcentre has dropped off our dinner! The ladies have kindly set up a roster to provide dinner this week. I cant believe how kind people can be.

Auckland Anniversary day

2011-01-31T14:35:00.006+13:00

This time last week Jaz was in surgery. What a week we have all had!

I lay in bed last night thinking about the week that was and how much we have been through. The time spent crying has almost passed and is being replaced with happiness and reassurance that things might be ok.

Luke and I visited Jaz this morning. Caitlin is staying with a friend and Molly and Phoebe watched movies in our regular family room on the ward.

Jaz managed with the help of the nurses to get from her seat to her bed no hoist required. A huge achievement. Her speech is stronger, still very forgetful and confused but we are rewarded with conversation of sorts much more than we ever had before. She practices unscrewing and screwing on the lid of her hand creme, more often than not she fails but it highlights to all in the ward how determined she is to get better.

The ward nurses are very proud of her progress and I was stopped several times today by them expressing to me how pleased they were with her.

The Neurology team are great but the nurses and hospital carers are fantastic. They have such a tough job but regardless of the situation continue to care. I make a point of contacting her carers every time I enter or leave the ward. I think my kindness towards them is returned with kindness and compassion towards my family and most importantly Jasmine.

Today is Auckland anniversary day a 3 day weekend which has made the hospital wards very quiet. No surgeons or physios walking the wards, no extra tests or scans. Its almost like everyone that is not critical is on hold for a few days.

Tomorrow will bring the hustle and bustle heightened by the lost day on Monday as new patients arrive and current patients are assessed. For Jaz that means, another MRI, a possible increased dose of blood thinners, assessment for another possible operation (shunts - Ill explain another day!!) and the results of her biopsy. All of those procedures have consequences so it will be another very busy and emotional week.

For me its a meeting with my work place to discuss our future, Molly starts school on Tuesday and Caitlin starts college on Wednesday. I must admit I am looking forward to avoiding the what am I going to wear arguments when the School Uniform takes over!! Im sure there are a few of you out there that understand where Im coming from.

Balancing school and visits will be difficult but made so much easier with Luke staying this week.

Tomorrow we will also try and find a pillow that has an ipod dock or radio built in. Jaz would like to listen to music. I gave her the iPod today but she got frustrated with the ear plugs. Im sure there must be something small that would be appropriate.

So as the first week closes another starts with many more small steps and hospital visits!

Day 6

2011-01-30T15:35:00.004+13:00

Well its almost been a week since Jasmines operation. This time last week I was sitting in hospital keeping her company while she waited for her operation the following morning.

I remember that we didn't say much to each other. We certainly didn't discuss any "what ifs" if anything was to go wrong. For us it was a routine operation, one that should have seen her home pretty soon.

It saddens me sometimes when I think of those wasted hours, I wish we had talked more but maybe just being in each others company was enough.

If I had the time again Im not sure I would have said much more. Apart from a few more hugs!!!

I think everyone that reads this entry should approach the person they love the most and tell them how much they love them and why. You just don't know what's around the corner.

It was Scott and Fiona's last visit today. Very emotional for them and us. Jaz looked pretty good. They had tied her hair back off her face. She was propped up in her chair and spoke more. She managed to read the Auckland Health board writing on the nurses uniform which means that she can read and see!

Still very tired but as I said yesterday little steps. The Nurse suggested we arrange some music or a movie for her in a couple of weeks, something to help with the boredom.

The girls went to a birthday party with friends this morning, I got upset because I couldn't find a jumper for Molly and tonight Luke arrives.

Life is very hectic but as long as we are clean healthy and fed what is there really to complain about?

I want to thank you all for your words of support. Being so far away is hard. We didn't plan a Brain tumor to be part of our Auckland adventure!!! So the distance has been hard. Your messages in what ever form has been the next best thing to being here and it really helps. I pass on every one to Jaz which always brings a smile to her face.

We have become good friends with our neighbors so they are cooking home made fish and chips with freshly caught snapper for the girls tonight while I take Luke up to the hospital to see Jaz. A classic case of some good kiwis looking out for their neighbors!

Little Steps

2011-01-29T20:54:00.002+13:00

Day 6 has almost passed.

I write this having just completed my evening session with Jaz. Fiona and Scott have been great. Sharing the load with the kids during the day visits and then taking over in the evening so I can drive to the hospital by 7.30 to spend a quiet hour with Jaz in the evening.

This is a perfect opportunity to thank them in this public forum. They head off tomorrow which will bring tears and sadness. I'm sure it will be difficult for them to leave when Jasmine is in hospital.

Tomorrow Luke takes over and the week following my Mum (who cant wait!) and sister Hayley arrive.

Visiting is tough. It takes 40mins to get into the hospital from home to make some very strict short visiting times 11am - 1pm and 3pm to 8pm only to find that Jaz is so tired she isnt really that interested.

Jaz continues to make positive steps towards recovery. Today she sat in her chair and sipped coffee through a straw while a Nurse held the cup.

I suggested to the Nurse she would like her hair washed. She has a wound in the front and back of her head from the 2 different operations, so a full wash is further down the track but she said she will do her best to freshen it up.

They have attached a splint to her right arm as it continues to sit in a very tight "V" position. She finds it very painful but did say "I have to get better". Movement in her right leg is still quite restricted but she will wriggle her toes when asked and the Nurse continues to encourage her hourly.

On the home front the girls have been busy we had a great afternoon at Matt and Becky Jones house playing with their 3 boys. It was so nice seeing them bounce on the tramp, fight over the best toy and in general have fun. I even managed to convince Phoebe to go back to bed at 1am this morning when she jumped into bed with me. Normally Jaz would do that and if I ever tried Phoebe would kick up a fuss. Lots of small steps for us as well.

Caitlin finds this whole situation the hardest. It does worry me, she is a very sensitive person and life for her is tough enough with a new college and everything else an almost 11 year old girl has to think about without dealing with her Mum in hospital.

I said to her Mum will come home but in the meantime its all about us. Together we have to look out for each other and in the end it will all come together.

Its all about lots of little steps.

She speaks!!

2011-01-28T15:57:00.004+13:00

I mentioned in my last post that hearing her voice again would be like winning lotto! Well guess what today 6 numbers came up!

She spoke at 4 am telling the nurse she was in hospital. Since then she has spoken several times to all that have visited. Including Caitlin and Molly.

The girls seem so much happier, however little Phoebe still hasn't seen Mum. I asked Jaz today if she would like to see Phoebe and she said no. Its also great to see her making decisions. I understand that she wouldn't want someone so young to see her like that.

The physio had her sitting in a chair today and the speech therapist continues to challenge her. Even managing to make her feed herself some shepherds pie using a spoon and her good left arm.

All in all today was a good day for Jaz. We left the hospital a satisfied family and a very tired wife, mother daughter!

With that for me comes the anxiety of looking after both her and the girls. Even with Scott and Fiona helping, looking after 3 young girls is tough work! Chuck in my desire to spend time with my wife who continues to get better and I find myself in a bit of a spin.

I know deep down Jaz would want me to priorities my time around our children which will be difficult at first but Im sure with continued support from our friends and family I will be able to both spend quality time with her and fill the needs our children desire from their parents.

To finish I would like to thank you all for your continued support, prayers and well wishes. Everyday I run through your names which brings a lovely smile to her face. Please keep them coming it works! along with heaps of medicine Doctors, Physios, Therapists and brilliant Nurses.

Tomorrow is Saturday so who knows not only might I get 6 numbers but I could also get the bonus number as well!!!

Thankful Thursday

2011-01-27T20:05:00.003+13:00

Well as Jaz would say its Thankful Thursday.

I have thought long and hard about what I have to be thankful for on this Thursday. Last Thursday Jaz put a beautiful picture of our little Phoebe at the beach, the new budgies, Jaz's latest cooking creations, a snap shot of how wonderful our life together has been.

So it doesn't take much to work out that Im thankful for the time I've had and will have with Jaz and the girls.

To hear her voice again or to lie in bed and read together right now would be like winning lotto! But in time I know I will win the jackpot. Until then its head down, look after the girls and a lot of patience.

To update you on her progress today. She sat up, mouthed some words and managed to sing the first line of Twinkle little star!

Apparently the singing and talking part of your brain are in two different places. She responds really well to my voice and I managed to get her to move that right foot. It made my day. First real movement since the operation.

Even though she slips in and out of consciousness when she is alert I can see determination and frustration in her eyes. I know she is doing everything she can to get better.

She also had an ECG today so with the Speech therapist, physio and ECG she was exhausted and spent the rest of the afternoon sleeping.

I learnt more about what happened during her operation, to be honest with grief came anger and I wanted to blame someone. I asked the registrar how they could have possibly done this?

She explained that Jasmines tumor is 10cm inside the centre of her brain. That tumor decided to grow behind the Vein of Galen one of our main providers of blood and oxygen to our brain. An incredibly difficult operation. The vein was damaged and she bleed causing multiple infarctions (strokes)

They had no idea that vein would have caused them any problems. Also her brain was swollen with cerebrospinal fluid impeded by her tumor so either way surgery was inevitable. Over the last month or so she complained a lot about feeling sick and numb. Little did we know that fluid was building up creating her discomfort.

The registrar said recovery can take a long time. Most people dont normally improve after 18 months. So after 18 months we will know what effect this has had on her.

Fingers crossed its a full recovery but to be honest Ill take whatever I can get.

It will be tough but. I know with the support and kindness I have been given from friends and family we can do it, yet another thing to be thankful for.

The girls are starting to feel the effects of not having mum around. Little Phoebe runs into my room every morning and checks Jasmines side of the bed. Every morning I give her a hug and tell her mum will be home soon. Caitlin saw Jaz yesterday and decided not to see her again today. She is scared but coping pretty well. Tears flow often. Being our first she is very close to Jaz.

Molly now 6 has a very forward care free attitude to most things. Yesterday she had her first cry. She wanted to know where Mum was and if she was ok. I took her in today to see her Mum. There was tears but Jaz gave her a one handed hug, a smile and kiss. Molly and I put some pictures on her wall and left her a large photo of the girls.

I have 3 great kids, Im very lucky yet another thing to be thankful for. Together we are coping with this change in there lives. School starts next week which I hope will bring some distraction and of course some playmates.

Update

2011-01-26T14:37:00.002+13:00

Hello there.

I thought that by now you would all be wondering how Jaz is getting on. I promised her even though Im not nearly as good as her at this I would help Caitlin update while she was away.

I have a feeling it will probably help me get through this chapter in our lives.

Jaz has had a really tough time. Her operation on Monday did not go to plan, she had troubles with a blood vessel close to her brain tumor that started to bleed. It has caused what they have said in basic terms a stroke.

With the problem blood vessel, the trauma from the operation and now a build up of fluid she is unable to speak or move her right hand side.

I spent some time with her this morning along with Caitlin and today she smiled and gave us both a teary one armed hug.

It was hard for Caitlin seeing her like that but I think she needed to see one of her girls. A reminder from me that she has an awful lot to get better for.

My beautiful wife and mother to my girls is still in there trying to get out. It is incredibly hard seeing her like this but at this point in time there is nothing more we can do but wait.

The future will probably bring us another 5 or so weeks in hospital and then 6 months in rehabilitation depending on how badly she has been effected.

I look into her eyes and I can see the pain and frustration this is causing her. I know that she would sooner be writing this and I definitely know she will scold me for any incorrectly used comers or full stops but until then I will keep you all posted as often as I can.

Until then I need all of you to think positively and help me get this amazing funny beautiful lady through a terrible time.

Regards

Mark Treacy

Out of Theatre

2011-01-24T20:20:00.005+13:00

As most of you will know:
Jaz has a brain mass...

She had an op today, to remove the mass, (the op started around 11am and finished some time around 5pm)

but it is wrapped around a blood vessel and so can not be removed safely... a biopsy has been taken.
At this stage, it appears to have been in there a long time... and the theory is (for now) that it is likely to be not of the very nasty variety, however there is a risk that it may one day physically become a 'nuisance' if it is growing.

She has been awake since the op but is still in recovery.

More updates on the girls and Jaz's condition, can also be found at fourpawsandwhiskers.blogspot.com

see you soon!

2011-01-23T09:57:00.002+13:00

Well, the bag is packed. Stomach in knots, but mind pretty calm.

The worst bit, I'm dreading, is saying goodbye to my three girls for a few days.

I won't be around to read any comments. But I'll be feeling your thoughts and love traveling my way.

So, I'll talk to you all soon.

Jaz xx

Paper beads: desperate for a holiday activity???

2011-01-21T10:51:00.009+13:00

I love beads and making things with the kids. With three girls in the house I doubt we will never be in short supply of bits and bobs that glitter and sparkle.

What we do have, like most home, are leaflets, scrap paper bulging recycling bags of 'junk' mail.

Paper that can be used in all sorts of ways, and especially with a six and ten year old who are ready to get back to school.

I've been thinking about making some jewelry this year and was looking online for some tutorials and inspirations for materials etc. I must admit, I hadn't thought about the piles of paper and bits of unused scrap-booking paper we have on hand. Check out some online tutorials here and here.

How about trying this little fun activity:

Paper Beads:

Cut a long triangle. Vary the sizes and lengths to vary the size of your beads

Begin rolling up the widest end around a kebab stick. Easy enough for my child model!!!

(we actually put a tiny spot of glue on the paper at this early stage to help keep the beads tight and strong)

Keep rolling until you have a little strip left. Pop on another dab of glue.

Finish the rolling.

We threaded them back onto the kebab sticks to dry.

To use them, they really need to be varnished. We had to use some watered down PVA glue. But they look cool.

Next thread them onto some strong thread. Voila! A necklace or bracelet.

I can't wait to try some really bright coloured papers. Supposedly glossy coloured magazine pages work well.

Jaz

Thankful Thursday

2011-01-20T11:55:00.006+13:00

Ok. There's a lot around here to be thankful for again. What a fun game this is!

Thankful for beautiful smiles of little people who seem to be growing up at an almighty pace!!

Spirulina smoothies for E.N.E.R.G.Y

New life as mentioned here

The facial expressions that new pets bring!

The delicious beauty in before...

....and after shots.

The squeals and laughter that came from this 'stocking filler' joke soap sitting in the bathroom. I still catches me off guard occasionally.

Thankful for Rescue remedy and Chamomile /Peppermint teas to calm nerves and tummy.

Have a great and thankful day!

My next mountain.

2011-01-19T16:38:00.002+13:00

Well. I said I'd update you when I heard..........and I have.

Sitting on the floor of the local library I received 'the call' from Auckland Public Hospital. It's a good thing I was already on the floor.

I'm having brain surgery on Monday.

Yep this, Monday 24th January. Giving me only five days notice to get my head around it. (and my family's!!). Sunday afternoon I'm in for the pre-op tests (poking and prodding that's necessary). AND I'm first on the list for Monday's surgeries, which I think is probably a blessing for us all.

If this is the first you have read of this, my previous posts are here and here

I've been bumped up the list due to some recent symptoms.

So here I am telling the world that I have a brain mass and it's now to be removed.

Yesterday I cried. Ran outside for air. Cried. More air. But I slept soundly.

Today I feel calm and almost ready. I'm really scared.........but a little relieved. I'm thinking, hoping, knowing that this is the end of my first leg of my current personal journey. Monday marks the start of the next. A mountain for me to conquer.

Mountains aren't necessarily a negative thing. They are an awesome feature of nature and it's very satisfying and rewarding to climb them. Oh and the view is normally pretty amazing from the top.

I have an excellent surgeon. One of the best. If I knew him better this is the letter I'd write to him today.

Dear Andrew Law,

I'm grateful to be meeting you again. I wish it wasn't necessary. I wish it was just for a coffee.

I hope you have a great weekend with your family and a very refreshing sleep on Sunday. (I'm not sure mine will be so).

Have a really good coffee on Monday morning. But only one, as I want those skilled hands as steady as possible.

I know you're in for a treat. I've got a pretty interesting brain in here. I realise my case is intriguing for you, but not too much partying on the operating theatre until I'm back together again please!!

I can't wait to shake your hand later that day. You're going to be great!

kind regards

Jaz

More babies!!!

2011-01-17T08:31:00.004+13:00

We have two beautiful additions to our household. (And I have nothing to do with these ones)

Molly and Phoebe are smitten.

Have the pleasure of meeting Zoe and Ollie

Hello Zoe

Hello Ollie

They scramble about, hang upside down, show off and chatter away to the girls' delight.

Fantastic to have new life in the house.

So cool