TRUST!

Have you ever thought how much TRUST we have to employ each day?

After the last couple of months I certainly have given it some thought and if I give it too much, it scares me.

Can I really trust the 'gut instinct' of a specialist? He does look at brains everyday I guess.....

Can I learn to trust myself, my body again? Will I suddenly have a seizure or aneurysm while looking after my children?

Can I trust a harmless 'stress headache' or head cold anymore, or will I instantly think I'm going to die!!

Shall I trust my individual cells and believe they are not mutating and going rampant?

Can I trust that my children will be ok everyday I drop them off at school?

Can I trust the strangers and outside world to not harm my child when she plays at the park with her friend, not me?

Will my friends and family in Christchurch be able to rest at night and return to work each day trusting the earth wont deliver 'the big one'??

Obviously we just can't live thinking like this!!!!

I know this is NOT how I normally think, and it is all born from fear. Today I am grieving for my loss of ignorance. Today, (although I know I'll cope), I let this new awareness of how much trust is required to live, scare me. Today I let myself be scared........you know the old saying "feel the fear and do it any way" etc etc

But I don't mind being scared because I know I always pull myself back up and away from it. I feel very sad for those that wont or can't.

So, like many of you have reminded me. Live for today. Be grateful on waking each morning and cross each bridge ONE AT A TIME.

Thank you for being out there....................it helps me on the scary days.

xx

Sorry I took so long........

Well.....I see it's been a while since I posted. So much has happened since I strolled on the beach with Phoebe.

I have had a week of feeling glum, mixed with confusion, a tiny bit of relief and happiness thrown in also. Follwed quickly by concern for my family and friends in Canterbury/Christcurch as they deal with the September 4th Earthquake and the numerous aftershocks (must be over 400 in total by now!!). To all Cantabrians, I have been thinking about you during this time and I look forward to seeing you again soon.

We met the dashing Neuro-surgen Andrew Law at Auckland Hospital. He was freindly and approachable. Also disturbingly excited by my brain tumour....as only a man of science could be I guess ;-)

As I recall the meeting, it feels like the trailer to my own personal movie. All 25 minutes of it.

But I saw it. My brain. A comfort to see that I have one, and a very healthy one too.

It is an excellent idea to have a support person at these kind of meetings because there were moments when the MRI imaging in front of me was all my brain could cope with and the specialist's voice faded in and out beside me. I had a long list of questions written down in handbag, but not enough time to ask them all. I actually wish I had a copy of the images, I'd love to show you. If you can put aside the scary feelings, it is amazing to see inside your head!

I coped extremely well. I listened to the description of the tumour "it appears benign, larger than expected for it's position, normally seen in children, no obvious major blood supply, not imbedded in brain matter, but growth is making the ventricle duct for draining cerebrospinal fluid narrower than normal. My gut instinct would be to wait six months and monitor it. Get some history on this thing"

WAIT?!!! WHAT?!! THAT"S MY NEW GAME PLAN??!!WAIT?!!!

( I wasn't expecting that)

Next thing I knew I was out, sitting in the hospital cafe, blubbering over a very healthy sandwich which was very quickly becoming a soggy one :-(

Why the tears?..............I really don't know. All of the above is very positive. I wasn't told I had brain cancer or that it was inoperable. Maybe it was the overwhelming reality of finally seeing "it" and maybe some relief.

I spent the next few days updating people, all of them excited that things were leaning towards the positive side. Still, I couldn't shake the feeling of glumness.

I guess this is also why it took me a while to write on here. My reaction has been very different to anyone else around me, including the specialist and it has made me quite confused.

But once again, time is a wonderful thing. I've done a bit of soul searching and decided that I want my days to be happy, not full of dread.

So for those of you who are 'sciencey', brain enthusiasts or are just simply concerned or interested here is a quick summary of my current progress:

Summary

* Tumour appears benign. Not being biopsied as yet as the procedure is pretty full on surgery and has it's own risks. Biopsy will probably occur in the future though.

*Could be removed if needed. Central location means there are risks of on going consequences from the surgery (eg field of vision, memory, bleeding, death). But in reality all surgery has some of these risks.

* Located near left temple lobe, in front of Occipital lobe, but inside the ventricle that contains the cerebrospinal fluid, making the draining tube narrower. Pretty much in the middle, near back of head.

*The surgeon doesn't really know what it is and he and his colleagues have had many coffees and playground discussions over my MRI images. They probably all want to get their hands inside my head for a play.....should I be flattered? ;-)

Plan

Come off all steroids.

Wait for six months: Neurosurgeons are not keen to remove it if it is causing no harm. I am well and the surgeries are risky and not desirable if the person is essentially well.

MRI to see if growth has occurred ( or I may have miraculously reabsorbed the beast LOL)

Based on what they see and the new history gained; biopsy, drugs or removal will then be discussed.

I may simply be monitored and reviewed every six months.

I want to include here a little plug for myself. The surgeon did comment that this tumour has probably been growing very slowly for many years. He also stated that my brain and body has adjusted to housing this tumour and managed to drain fluid and function. During all this time my body has also become a wife, mother and teacher. I have a degree to my name and words like flexible, reliable and adaptable on my CV. I now have the scientific data to prove it!! :-)

So I now I walk around this planet knowing I have a tumour in my head, no drugs in my system, a fantastic diet and am feeling great!!!! I have moments when my mind drifts and I get a little scared, wanting to ring the surgeon and demand it is removed that afternoon! Then I remember the other people I sat with at the hospital and the wards I walked past. I quickly remind myself how bad it could be and how good life really is.

xx

Phoebe loves the Beach

During the week Phoebe and I hit the beach. We needed some 'out of the house' time and the sun had conveniently come out too! So here we are.............

This is actually our new local beach; Arkles Bay, since shifting across the peninsular a few months back.

Even almost two year olds take a moment to drink in the view............hee hee

xx

Tickle me Tuesday

A few snaps that tickled our fancy!

Here's Molly.........and Phoebe getting ready for the school day.

Quite loose uniform regulations don't you think ;-)

xx

Superfoods

Here are the fourteen foods nutritionists claim as "Superfoods"

Beans (which includes green and peas)

Soy

Blueberries

Spinach

Broccoli

Green or Black tea

Oats

Tomatoes

Oranges

Turkey

Pumpkin

Walnuts

Wild Salmon

Yoghurt

I generally knew most of these foods were a rich source of vitamins and antioxidants. A couple were a surprise. Are there any that surprise you? I thought the humble carrot might be on there as it is has proven cancer cell 'halting' abilities. But I think the listed food above are regarded sooooo special because they are provide a powerhouse of multiple vitamins and minerals in one handy source. I include garlic in my superfood list. In fact, any 'wholefood" should be considered I guess if you really want to be super human!!!

It is believed that by consuming some or all of the Superfoods each week you can actually change the course of your biochemistry and slow down or stop the gradual changes in your body that lead to a variety of diseases.

Blueberries are the one I said I really wanted to blog about though. I had known that berries were powerful little beauties. I recently read a chapter on Blueberries in an excellent library book 'Superfoods, Fourteen foods that will change you life', Steven Pratt & Katy Matthews.

I am now a convert.

Blueberries were ignored for a while in the Western diet and cuisine (although used for decades in Native American diet as a preservative ingredient and for medicinal purposes in child birth and digestion). It was dismissed initally because it was not high in vitamin C compared to some of it's cousin berries.

However........look at just a few things they have to offer:

* Regarded as a top three superfood (with spinach and wlanuts)

* More antioxidants and than any other fruit or vegetable. One serving (half cup) will give you more than FIVE servings of carrots or broccoli.

* Anthocyanins - the BLUE colour. A powerful antioxidant and anti-inflammatory.

* High in Ellagic acid. A natural antioxidant that helps build new cells and halt mutated ones. Cancer cells for example forget to die so these natural chemicals help restart the process. Recent research also shows they have a powerful effect on brain cells (YAY). These naturally causing chemicals have been proved to improve and support people suffering from Multiple Sclerosis, Alzheimers and Dementia.

* Excellent, (like its cousin the Cranberry) for supporting urinary tract health.

* Lowers your risk of cardiovascular disease.

Oh and they taste REALLY good. Bonus material!!!

Obviously I don't know if there are any mutated cells in my body.......or yours for that matter. But all cells have the potential and our trusty immune systems prevent it from occurring on a regular basis, if you are nurturing and supporting that system I guess!

I don't plan to live in fear of the BIG C. But I am truly humbled by the power of these foods and won't be wandering far from a blueberry for the rest of my very LONG and fulfilling life!!

xx

Get the juice!

Well, I now have a date to work towards. I see a Neurologist on Thursday the 2nd September.

My first reaction was........oh pooh........this really isn't all just a bad dream. I've got to 'face the music' so to speak.

Back came the shallow breathing and the urge to don my sneakers and get the holy heck out of here. But, after a few sprays of rescue remedy on the tongue and a few minutes on the cross trainer to activate the endorphines I felt so much better. FEAR had crept into my letterbox, I felt it and moved on! Yay me!

So I'll let in on my plan so far. I'm not one to sit around and wait. I've always been like that in my teaching, parenting, renovating, gardening, lots of things. Mark is very similar in this way. Put our two heads together and we tend to get things done, and fast.

I mentioned we had bought a juicer. Our impulsive reaction and purchase in response to being told I had a 'brain mass'. We we have certainly juiced up a storm in our house ever since.

I did not realise how much I would enjoy it and actually reap from it. I went and got several nutrition books out of the library and have been creating my own delicious recipes.

I have two juices per day now. My digestive system needed a few days to adjust to receiving liquid vitamins and antioxidants so I started on one only. Juicing does not replace your normal servings of fresh fruit and vegetables, it supplements it. So when considering calorie intake and insulin levels it is important not to overload on fruits only. I'm currently reading about a "maximmunity" food model that encourages NINE servings of fresh produce per day. How tricky would it be to prepare all that food daily!! So juicing provides the perfect solution to this as several varieties can be combined in one recipe.

The morning juice is fruit only. Higher in calories and fructose so a better time of the day to absorb and use the extra calories. We have been including a super food or antioxidant ingredient in every drink so far. Actually...........I should blog about that on a separate post!!!

In the morning I'm also taking (in capsule form) Pomegranate and Acai berry (pronounced AH- SAH -EE). They have HUGELY, MASSIVE antioxidant properties and boost your immune system. Amazing what you can find out there and wonderful people who want to help you maximise wellness!!

The afternoon or evening juice is vegetable, often with flaxseed oil included to ensure we have had our daily intake of plant derived Omega 3. We eat fish as a family occasionally so get our oily fats through them! I sometimes slip in a garlic clove or some ginger to Mark's surprise. I wonder if his workmates have noticed an aromatic change? ;-)

The girls are loving them too. Not the vege ones so much, but I have been known to sneak a handful of spinach into a fruit juice and it going undetected, it looks a lot like kiwifruit :-)

Children only need small amounts of juices, obviously, because of their immature digestive systems. But I'm quite sure their daily half glasses are knocking these colds on the head quickly! Oh and I must blog about blueberries. I will never be without a blueberry in my freezer again. An outstanding food! Chat about that later with you all.

The best thing about this whole process is that it is EMPOWERING. I feel as though I am taking charge of what the cells are doing inside this body of mine. Fighting off free radicals, generating new cells, halting naughty rebellious cells from making new mates. I'm really proud of my new attitude towards mine and my family's temples. Good grief..............could this health scare become a blessing? Food for thought I guess.

I believe in the power of human spirit, nutrition and attitude. I'm thinking that if I can successfully combine all of this with what the health system has to offer, I might just blast this 'mass' into another hemisphere...........after it has taught me the lessons I need to learn from it.

I took some photos of the girls enjoying their own juicing recipe this weekend and a couple of delights from the week prior when my best friend from Christchurch came to stay with us for three nights. We did a lot of talking, positive affirmations and eating chocolate....of course. (The best we could find for medicinal and antioxidant properties LOL).

It's obvious little Phoebe looks up to her middle sister.

A rare pic of all three.............sitting still!

Phoebe and my BFF in the warm Auckland sun :-)

As it is done in Italia?????

Spinach pasta............the best way to get really green greens into them. YUM!

So is it working? Is my diet actually helping?

Well I feel positive. I don't feel the side effects from the steroids are running my day anymore. I also seem to be able to eyeball the fear and stay standing.

All is well,

I hope you are too.

xx

Photo-shoot!!

It is not all doom and gloom around our house. Although the last two weeks have been an emotional roller coaster............the girls still manage to bring smiles and laughter into most activities.

Miss Five yr old loves to take photos, especially ones of herself.

Here is her latest photo-shoot....

Oh and of course every cheeky young girl wants a 'up the nostrils' shot!

Then...she showed me this photo she took in the setting sun. Great photo Molly, totally gorgeous. You are a cute kid :-)

xx