Welcome back!

Look who's back for another year!

Hi Nana!

Good to see you again.

Jaz xx

11.11.11

It's here.

11.11.11

I'm not normally superstitious at all. But ever since we met , Mark and I have had a 'thing' about the number 11.11.

It started shortly after we started living together. We kept noticing the time 11.11 on the digital clock. Over the years whenever we noticed it, often at the same time, we would look at each other thinking it was a bit odd and spooky.

Now. It's just our number.

We see the time and smile.

It still happens all the time.

So today has almost become an anniversary of sorts. Mark even woke and greeted me with a big kiss and a 'Happy 11.11 Day!!!"

I know others' around the country and world are celebrating and considering it a lucky day. Well it is for us. We feel lucky to have each other!!

Happy 11.11 Day to you Mark. I feel lucky to have you in my every day.

Happy 11.11 day to all of you out there. I hope it's a lucky one for you all.

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: Remembering to Live!

It sure is tricky being thankful when things just aren't cool.

I struggle to see every morning. Making the school lunches in my "pirate feathersword" get up. One eye patched so that I may negotiate the kitchen effectively. Ridiculous really, but if I don't my vision is a swimming mess of multiple images. Bloody, brain, bloody tumour, grrrrrr.

Even the Bougainvillea growing on my deck looks like it's worthy of thanks. Beautiful!

But it was for his very reason I started doing Thankful Thursdays. I needed to be reminded, even on the worst days and weeks. I AM NOT DEAD YET.

For this.......... I am REALLY thankful :-)

And while I'm still kicking, breathing and walking into things, there is hope. Plenty of it.

So today is purely a reminder to oneself. Come on Jaz. You aint dead yet. Still plenty of stuff to achieve. Even if it's slightly modified, altered or impaired. Life still needs to be lived.

I needed this reminder today.

Maybe you need it too.

Jaz xx

Playing with Fire

Let's begin with a brain update.

I'm typing this with my eye patch on as my eyes do not cope after a full nights sleep. But we crack on despite. I really hope my eyesight returns.

You may have seen my comment on my last post that the MRI went pretty well.

1. No new growth of the tumour (still the same size but they can stabilize and take a long time if going to shrink. Time is needed here.

2. The discolouration caused by radiation treatment is resolving and not a sign of any new disease. ONE BIG PHEW!!!!!

3. My ventricles are still a bit overfull of fluid which may be the discomfort I still feel. The drainage hole has worked and is working,but once again this is a scenario that needs time.

4. I have lost my cheek bones LOL. Bummer. The fluid caused by fluid retention (steroids) have changed the shape of my face (well I certainly notice it). I laughed at it yesterday as I brushed my hair. I laughed. I reckon that's another step towards recovery mentally at least :-)

A Night Out

Lat night we shared guy fawkes with friends and at their street party. It was a great night. I actually didn't think I could do it. With the amount of pressure I currently have in my head I find noise and lots of people and movement just a bit too much. But with a head full of antinflammatories, well watered and fed the night got better and better.

I think some times distraction has a major role to play when trying to cope with feeling unwell.

Thanks Lisa and Paul! What great spread, lovely company and awesome to have had some fun!

The fire works were brilliant fun for adults and children alike.

Happy kids

and more happy kids....

and some more!!

My happy little girl who was petrified of the fireworks last year really warmed to them and was extremely brave.

Some of the happy 'lighting' crew.

Sparkler fun!

She made it till midnight :-)

Jaz xx

Forgetful Friday

I realise I haven't made much of an effort to be Thankful on Thursdays lately. Shame really as it was a time in the week which forced me to have a more positive outlook on our current life. Which is a good thing.

So although Thursday has past. I shall be thankful on a Friday.

A very good and dear friend called me this morning. Just hearing her voice made me shed more than a few tears. I was, thankfully, able to offload (she doesn't mind a bit) many of my fears and some of the icky stuff I've had to deal with this year. What a load off it was. I am so grateful to have her in my life. Love you Simone xx

Next I am thankful that my children can have some normality. A small sleepover with junk food and DVD is scheduled for this evening. It hasn't been a regular event at our house this year. Most of the the social events have taken our children to other people's houses. It is nice to finally host a friend and have some fun. Yay!

And finally. Things are growing.

Parsley, strawberries, spinach, corn and courgette. Just a smattering of veg.

But it is lovely to see anyway. Thankful for the warmer weather arriving and new growth around us.

And these lillies, almost bursting into bloom were from my late Nana's garden. They have been with me at every flat, house and rental we have owned or lived in. South and North Island. I have moved them with me loyally and Nana has never failed to deliver yearly blooms. Lovely huh.

Can't wait for it to happen again soon :-)

Thank goodness for finding these things around me.

We plan to get the kids out on their bikes this weekend.

Have a wonderful weekend yourselves.

Jaz xx

MRI

MRI tomorrow morning.

Today's mantra:

It's going to be fine

It's going to be fine

It's going to be fine.

Tomorrow's mantra:

It was all ok

It was all ok

It was all ok

The power of the positive!!

Jaz xx

Who is this person standing before me?

I'm having a moment. Just a little one.......promise.

We had a pretty relaxing weekend which was total awesomeness. Bought some Levis jeans for $29 at Savemart. OH yes!

New trainers originally $190 for $49 for my 'no driving' daily walking expeditions. Wicked!

Yep, a good weekend. Even the grocery bill was cheaper. Go figure! We relaxed, mooched, hung out together. The nice stuff.

But today I feel somewhat .........deflated. Disappointed I guess. Every now and again my brain tumour saga catches up with me and slaps me clean around the ears.

I have been on a lowish dose of steroids for the past month since my recent surgery. They are awful actually. I don't like them very much. BUT, they seem to have helped my eyes and head pressure. I feel I can function almost normally on them.

Catch 22 though. While the eyesight and 'headiness' feeling improving is a positive. I really struggle with the transformation my body is going through. Unfortunately, and embarrassingly this is where I become rather shallow in character. I miss the old me. The healthy, relatively fit, active, slim me. Ok so I've never been a sports woman, but a healthy 35year old and proud of it.

The steroids are making my face a little swollen and rounder. A smattering of acne. My hair is still a bit irregular from having surgery patches shaved. I can't sleep very well. I'm often up at 3 or 4am drinking sleepy tea or hot milk. I have an insatiable appetite. Like I've never had before (other than when I was pregnant). A drug induced (and eating at all hours of the day) belly is appearing, despite my 80 tummy crunches I try each day and regular walking. I feel I'm losing the battle, despite my efforts. It's all vanity, I realise this. I know it's more important to be alive and functioning, I just miss me!

My lovely husband is very good at saying all the right things. He loves me, the whole me. The person whom he married and the person whom he shares everything with. But I'm a girl. I want to be attractive for my husband. I want to be healthy and attractive for me too! It's a strange feeling to be changing beyond my control.

Some of it may be within my control. I'm trying a lower dose. But so far my symptoms eg the poor eyesight are returning. Drat.

I'm hoping it may plateau and become bearable, liveable. But I guess, if I have to increase them again I will.

I keep active. Even if I don't see the results outwardly, I'm sure it's good for my overall health and well being to keep moving and my heart pumping. That I can do and will continue.

I'm a little uncomfortable at the thought of the next time I see my friends and family again who reside in Canterbury. I don't really want to look like I've been on medications for months on end.

Oh I know........they love me.........it won't matter..........they will completely understand........and support me anyway. Yep, I know all this.

But I'm still having a moment.

Jaz xx