Thursday....again??

Yes. It is Thursday again and I have plenty to be thankful for . Let's see how my head and eyes go at telling you all about it.

Firstly. I met the Neurosurgical team here in Christchurch yesterday. Just a catch up and opportunity to discuss my next MRI. Good news is... the MRIs are now six monthly (as long as nothing nasty is seen). One day it might be yearly. Oh ...something to look forward to!!

I caught up with a regstrar who had been present for my first surgery last year. She was over joyed to see me looking so well, walking, moving, talking etc. Of course, Mark reminds me often of how far I have come, but seeing her reaction was very cool. I often feel a bit trapped still and that recovery from all of last year's happenings just won't happen. But it is happening, gradually, but surely!!

Aside from eyes and brains I try to focus on other things in my life.

Please let me introduce you to our new 5 month old puppy, Rosie.

True love!!

Rosie and Lucy taking a little longer!!! (And yes, that is my bed, and I'm meant to fit in there somewhere!!!!!)

She is not really meant to do this..shhh

I LOVE this!! Every morning when the girls are picked up by a friend for school she watches them go. " Bye Caitlin and Molly"

I just need to teach her how to wave :-)

Last but not least. I am once again thankful for how hard my hubby Mark is working. I am so proud of you Mark.

Jaz xx

Thankful Thursday: a pleasant surprise!

Well would you look at that. 77 of you gorgeous people are still following my blog....despite my disabled eyes and the lack posting.

I am very thankful.

I've worked out...(drumroll)........that with a patch over one eye I can write on here for a few minutes at each sitting. So what do you think. A few words every few days??

I miss posting and still have so much to say LOL.

I'm going to try and move forward with what I've been left with. It feels good to still be waking each day. I'm slowly getting used to being a slightly new version of Jaz. Getting there.

One thing I do know for sure. I miss you all. I miss this. I miss just gas-bagging about "stuff".

So BIG thanks to you.

Nice to be back .........(blowing you a kiss).......

Jaz xx

Merry Christmas

Due to bad eyesight. Blogging, sadly, has just been too difficult. Hopefully it is not a permanent thing. But if so, nothing will stop me from wishing you all a wonderful Christmas.

Have a lovely day,

Take care of you and yours.

Share lots of love.

And of course have a very happy New Year!!

Jaz xx

Happy Anniversary

Sixteen years ago we met and didn't look back for one moment.

This is where it all started.........

..and this is what we looked like.

And this is what we made!!

Happy 11th Wedding Anniversary Mark. My best friend. I love you.

Jaz xx

What a week!

We have had SUCH a week.

A week involving packing, short trips away, A&E visits, more hospital appointments, more medical updates and news. It's all so much it simply takes breath away. I hope it calms down soon. But I feel this may be the reality of living with a brain tumour after all.

I've started packing up the house, just the non essentials. It's kind of tricky with funny eyes. But I've never been one to let stuff get in my way. I'm typing this with a patch on and finding it a real struggle. But there aint no way this tumour is going to take my blog away from me!! Not yet anyway!!!!!!!

We drove up to Paihia on Friday eve, staying in beautiful apartments and visited Waitangi on the Saturday.

Arrival at Paihia late Friday eve. LOL

The view out our window the next morning.

Treaty house at Waitangi

Exploring the Maori villages

No as many images as I had hoped but it was point, shoot and hope for the best with my eyesight that day. At least we can tick Waitangi off the 'before we leave the North Island' list.

Unfortunately I was at the end of my 'weaning off steroids plan' and my eyesight deteriorated very quickly. By Sat arvo I could barely see a metre in front of me. Back home we drove and spent Sunday in A&E. Result?........back on the steroids.

I have developed a syndrome, common with either hydrocephalus and or tectal plate tumours where the eye muscle develop paralysis when trying to look upwards. It is extremely frightening, and for some reason the steroids (possibly the anti inflammatory nature of them) help. So I guess it's a matter of working out how much, what level, what dose keeps the symptoms reduced and the side effects limited. I am sad it has got to this. It may well be permanent, although I have a slither of hope that because the brain fluid is now at normal levels and the tumour is not currently growing that the eye muscles and nerves can recover. It says it's possible on Google..............so my little glimmer of hope is there.

What have you got if you haven't got hope huh?

Other than that, it becomes about acceptance of the changes. It's difficult to swallow. I may never be cured from any of this and once again, my breath is taken away. But chin up and all that. We have got to push on the best we can. Going back to flat land and my friends and family seems an even better plan now.

So much busyness I have forgotten the most important part this week. It was my birthday.

Mark cooked a delicious meal, the girls baked and decorated a wonderful cake and I got lovely,thoughtful gifts. It made life seem a little brighter.

Thanks lovely family for your effort. Thanks also to the all the well wishers and mail I have received.

You all really know how to make a week shine!!!

Jaz xx

The Treacys are going Home

Time to let you all know.

The funky Rangiora townhall.

We are relocating back to the little township of Rangiora where we moved from two years ago now. Mark has a managers job within the township and with any luck we will wake tomorrow with the contract on a house purchase finally through the rigorous insurance checks now required within a seismically freaky zone.

We have mixed feelings about the move back home. We actually love our new home up here. The location, lifestyle and new friends. But we must admit the dreaded brain tumour has hampered this lifestyle. Mark and I are both fiercely independent people and a little stubborn. So we are not entirely happy that a little tumour is now dictating our journey.

But it is, and we are learning to accept the changes it is bringing.

I am certainly a different person to whom I was when I left Canterbury. Inside and out. My experiences before after the diagnosis of the tumour have certainly left their effects. Surgery, rehabilitation, treatment, medications, losing hair, changing appearance, stress, fear and many other aspects of this journey has left a few scars. I am apprehensive about taking "me" home. I often don't recognise myself. And I really mean the inside as well.

We also realise the Christchurch we once loved and felt a bond with doesn't really exist anymore. We haven't been back since the devastating and fatal February earthquake. I know we need to prepare ourselves for the devastation and sadness. We will watch Christchurch rebuild with hope and anticipation like all other Cantabrians I imagine.

We are looking forward to being back amongst the people we love. As I am not currently permitted to drive I am looking forward to being back on flat Canterbury land for walking the kids to school and regaining my own independence.

Mark's work will be just a stones throw from our new house (please go through contract!!!!). Which means no long trips home, no commuting. I have my husband near me. This I like and want. This tumour, as much as we loathe it , has brought us so much closer together as a couple............ as a family in fact.

Lovely Ashley River

Our lives in Whangaparaoa has been lived in rental properties. This has been ok for the duration. We were more interested in exploring every weekend, making memories and taking loads of photos. And this we did.

Now we want the Kiwi dream back. The backyard, dog, vege patch and a place to potter. Our place.

This move back home is going to bring us that.

To those of you we are leaving behind up here, thank you for making us feel so welcome. We will miss you all dearly and consider you life long friends. Northland will always be a place to revisit and holiday in. Thanks for becoming a part of our extended family.

Southern Alps and Canterbury Plains

To those of you who are awaiting our arrival back on Canterbury soil. Not long now. We are excited to rebuild friendships and see you all again in early January.

Jaz xx

3.36am

Yip it's 3.36am , Monday morning and I'm blogging . I'm either a little mad, hopelessly addicted or it's something else.

Oh that's right.

I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR.

They make you do some funny things these tumours. Like; awake at three am with hunger pains you can't ignore (that's the steroids, which I'm nearly off, YAY!!) and insomnia.

So what's a girl to do? Blog of course.

Gone are the days when Monday morning posts were all about the weekend just gone and enjoyed. Even though we had a great weekend. I'm still posting about this bloomin' thing in my head.

I thought about dying last night. Mark and I were sitting at the computer together. Doing mundane stuff. It hit me like a gale force wind. Brutal with the stench of 'tumour'. Waves of tears. And then gone. More like a Nuclear wind I guess. Not often does it get me anymore, I tend to keep myself distracted and busy, but sometimes the mundane tasks seem to encourage it, or at least allow it to get me.

I've worked out what our WORD is for this year.

COURAGE

Plain and simple.

I used to enjoy teaching values and attitudes as a unit theme with primary school children. Courage was always in there. It takes a lot of courage to be a learner. To take risks and try new things.

Well i've learnt a thing or two about COURAGE this year. In fact our whole family has. My children have been extraordinarily courageous. Mark shows courage in a daily basis living with this tumour alongside me.

But I now know what RAW COURAGE is. I can't think of another way to put it. It's the kind of courage you need when you know something needs to be faced or completed and your entire being wants to pull away. I didn't want to learn it or even experience it. It was kind of thrown into my life. I don't even consider myself very good at it. I just had to do it, be it, own it I guess.

It sucks. (As my pre teen might say).

Brain surgery is the scariest thing I've ever had to face. Every inch of your body wants to run away. You've just spent time chatting to several surgical assistants and registrars about the numerous risks. But lying on that table, looking at the surgical lights above you, you know it's too late. It's going to happen. The only thing left to try is a bit of COURAGE.

That's the courage I mean.

A very special woman in my life said something very poignant and memorable to me about courage this year. Her words, I can't remember to quote exactly, but the sentiment I will never forget. "Courage doesn't always lift its head and roar like a lion. It's often just a small and quiet voice at the end of a day that whispers; I will try again tomorrow".

I guess. Courage presents itself in different forms. Depending on what you need. Thankfully, most days, that quiet voice is all I need.

I'm not trying to talk myself up here. I just needed to write. Funny what you think about lying awake in bed. I wonder what tomorrow's topic word will be?

It's now 4.11am. What else is a girl to do?

Jaz xx