Dear Tumour

Why did you decide to awake again? Didn't I make it clear during our radiotherapy that our relationship was coming to an end?

Did I not make my feelings clear?

Aaah maybe I was just too polite.

I do remember thanking you for not treating me too badly, for allowing me to birth three beautiful girls, for the wonderful years with Mark and being able to become a teacher. I thanked you and then I said I was done with you. With my head jammed into that horrid machine, we chatted. Do you not remember??

Why wake up now?? I'm just starting to deal with the unfairness of it all. I was just starting to adapt to my altered eyesight. I was getting really good at living in the present and not catastrophising about the future. Instead I have started worrying about leaving the girls and Mark again.

Then 'they' tell me you have grown a few mm. Enough to motivate us all to discuss the next plan of attack.

How dare you not even give me a bit more time between treatments. I've only just recovered from the last lot. In fact I still have some ongoing sideffects. I guess you'd say it 'serves me right, picking on you like that'.

But I need to make it clear. I am a determined and stubborn person. I'm also very good at finding the positive. You haven't got me yet oh tumour. How dare you try to scare me again. How dare you make my eldest daughter worry and my husband frightened he'll lose his mate.

How dare you!!

How dare you !!

How dare you!!!

I'll show you...

Jaz

Wonderful weekends

My children can be a little odd sometimes.

Or maybe it's just ultra cute.

Look what they set up on the FIRST DAY OF THE HOLIDAYS!!!!!

A classroom :-)

Dad had plans to build a fence which of course must start with digging post holes.

Gorgeous Phoebe

Mark and I then spent night in the city of Christchurch. Only 25 minutes away but we were able to go child free (Thanks Nana Sandy).

We wandered around the beautiful Botanic Gardens. A spectacle of the 'garden city'.

What Christchurch does extremely well. Autumn colours.

Love this tram stop. (Although it always looked better without the cordon fences behind)

The Garden city is now the city of cranes. This view used to be quite special, with the Cathedral gracing the end of this street. No more sadly.

So many of these USAR messages to be seen.

Buildings without walls :-(

But in middle of the city, Cashel Mall metamorphed into a brightly coloured 'beating heart' (as a friend of mine described it). I love this description. The rest of the city seems dead, dusty, ghostlike. In fact, behind the bubbling and chattering in the foreground you can hear the hum of diggers and destruction in the background. This mall is a sign of new beginnings.

ChCH has come back with shops and coffee shops made from containers.

Not quite the traditional architecture of Canterbury, but a happy new beginning.

Unfortunately Cashel mall is also a memorial for many lost lives. And the fences are used to share memories and debate what the public would like to happen with the Cathedral ruins.

Not allowed in. I remember walking through here every day when I worked in the city.

Here's a novel idea instead of a billboard. A display car in a container. Only in Christchurch!!!

I avoided taking photos of the ruined churches in the city. Too many and too sad. Lovely old buildings.

But unsafe buildings are still being pulled sown. Even over a year later.

We had mixed feeling visiting the city. It's certainly not the same, but we can feel the excitement and anticipation of what is to come.

Watch this space!!!

Easter Sunday. The birth of the fence.

Sunday afternoon was spent at the river. Introducing Rosie to WATER!!

Making dams.

Sunday was concluded with a family movies night. Dogs invited. Doesn't her face just say" where's my popcorn"?

Easter weekend was spent sharing time together. Just what we love to do. Even building a fence became a group effort with the kids joining in and my brother lending us a helpful hand.

What could have been a chore actually became quite satisfying. But that's another blog entry really.

Hope your weekend was fun and relaxing too.

Jaz xx

Turning a corner!

Yes it is possible and I think I have done it. I'm proud that I've done it.

Those of you who follow this blog regularly will understand, after the events of 2011, a corner just had to be turned.

I spent much of last year frightened of the future. What could happen, might happen but hadn't yet happened. That is the corner I'm talking about. About living in the NOW.

Living in the now is something I have talked about on this blog a few times. When I was struggling as a stay at home mum and when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour. I have been thinking about this a lot recently as I struggled to adapt to and accept the changes with my eyesight. Part of me refused to accept the poor vision because I felt I might be giving up, giving in.

I don't see it like that at all now.

I see it as living in the NOW.

In fact, I didn't even realise we had a book on our shelves at home titled "The Power of Now" (Ekhart Tolle). Cool. Somebody's already done much of the thinking for me!!!

I can't read it very well, My eye muscles struggle to read for very long but I enjoy skimming and finding enlightening quotes for myself

In the past I have catastrophized and turned my fears into big ugly mountains in front of me. But I've been thinking about that. Fears aren't real. Sure they can be based on some startling true facts eg I HAVE A BRAIN TUMOUR, but essentially our fears are our imaginations going for a walk.

So I've stopped walking my fears so often and taking myself out for fresh air instead. Lately I seem to be able to enjoy today and not worry about tomorrow. Tomorrow will come and then it will be today. I've got no control over it, just how I perceive and receive it.

I'm strangely calm about my MRI I just had. I'm still awaiting results and I refuse to waste precious time on irrational fears. If they tell me I'm dying, then I'll scream and cry, but not today, not NOW.

On that note. Have a lovely day and weekend. If you need to worry about something, allocate a time and focus on it for a little while. Problem solve, but don't let it become you or your life. I've been there, we probably all have at some time of our lives. But I'm learning a tough lesson. There's a lot of living out there to be done. Join me and live it in the NOW!!!

Happy Easter to all of you.

Jaz xx

Puppy antics

What does this sweet, adorable puppy.........

And this sweet, (mostly) adorable little girl..............

EQUAL???????????

One barely recognisable toothbrush this morning.

Adorable much?

Undecided

Jaz xx

ps See other toothbrush post here