Well it's been a while. One of my most recent posts was about a climb we did as a family and the fun we had.
We have met another mountain recently.........a more personal one. I have decided to share it with you. Not to worry or frighten, but simply to share the FEAR load and one simple request...........love.
Exactly 11 days ago I was told by my GP that I have an intra-cranial mass. Yep. (breathe)
You could call it a tumour, a clump of cells. I haven't been told what it is or it's name. I was told this surprising news after a routine sinus CT scan. What they thought was a shadow resulted in me off for an MRI scan (icky) and some snazzy photos of my brain. It confirmed, I have a little extra inside my head.
My shocked GP referred me immediately to a Neurologist, put me on steroids to help shrink the mass and reduce any pressure and sent me home. The waiting game begins. We are now waiting for the Neurologist appointment that will help plan our path.
It was a Saturday morning. I drove home alone.....back to the kids and hubby. I wailed the entire, but short drive. NEVER have I made noise like then. I cried for what hadn't been, what might come next, for all the people I'd lost and what I might lose. This crying scared me.
The weekend was a blur of "what ifs", desperate hugs, conversations and phone-calls. My children were frightened despite me trying to keep it together around them.
The first two nights were slept, in a drug induced sense, but I still woke in a sweat from dreams about my funeral and my family growing on and upwards without me. Was I about to be delivered a death sentence? Why was my mind so cruel to me? Why couldn't I be brave and positive?
That first week is now a complete blur. The steroids, despite being a low dose have had unpleasant side effects. My joints ache, have pins and needles, blurry vision, acne (oh joy, puberty again!) and some fatigue. I think they may have increased my anxiety too as now the dose is reduced I am much calmer and am not imagining the worst every few minutes!!!!
But over the past couple of days.....something has changed. Not physically as such.......but I am not allowing myself to expect bad news anymore. I know that this mass is in a slow growing position. If you are going to adopt a brain mass........then my body did well to put it there. Because it is in this part of my head it is silent. I have no headaches or seizures. I think I've had one full blown headache in the last 12 months. It is a silent mass. Which is obviously why it was so difficult to diagnose. I just wasn't presenting with "tumour' symptoms. However, if there is a lesson here. I did go the docs over the past few years with niggling symptoms and the optometrist. We just collectively never put all the pieces of the puzzle together. Keep asking questions......you know your body.
I met FEAR last week. It is very dark, very frightening. But people who love me are giving me exactly what I need right now; positive and healing thoughts. I will surround myself with happy people from now onwards. I don't have time for negative, I need to heal. Time to be selfish, and when I'm well..........I will return all the love, I promise.
I still meet FEAR.......every now and again. Before I go to sleep or when the house is still and quiet. But I don't walk towards now. I'm not in denial. I know I've got to walk alongside it for a while, but I will not let it consume or make me someone else.
So I'm ok.
I am well.
I haven't been told otherwise.......so I will teach myself to be well.
I will be extremely well once I introduce myself to my "tag -along" and share my plan with it.
We even laughed a few days ago and made jokes about what I can blame "the mass" on over the past few years.
We bought a juicer.........I am boosting my immune system like you wouldn't believe. My hubby in his desperation to keep me well is cooking and filling me up with antioxident rich nutrients. I love that man.
So I will share the process on here as often as I can. I still want this blog to be about our adventures and happiness. You will just find some of my own more 'personal journey' post slotted in. I don't want pity or even your fear. Because both of those things make my heart race and my breathing shallow. FEAR feeds FEAR.
I hope you will feedback occasionally, it is a lonely time trying to keep yourself in a positive frame of mind. I do feel very far away from my family and friends right now. BUT, knowing your thoughts are floating around in the universe is more than enough!! I love following your blogs and lives too.
On a brighter, family note:
My hubby's b'day was on Sunday and we were determined as a family to relax and enjoy each other's company. Miss ten yr old helped me make a birthday cake, we lounged around in pjs watching the presies being opened and grazed on a late brekkie.
The evening before we discovered some family members had arranged a gift voucher to be waiting at a gorgeous cafe, up north from us in the town; Warkworth. Chocolate brown it is deliciously called and the food was equally tasty. Alongside the cafe is an amazing chocolaterie.
The photos show some of the gorgeousness found within.
BIG love, hugs and thank yous to you both for that voucher. I forgot about everything weighing on my mind for almost the entire day. We all had a lovely time.
Enjoy the pics!
Oh and remember, don't sweat the small stuff tomorrow or even the next day! :-)
Wholemeal blueberry pancakes...mmmm
Caitlin carefully choosing.....
Daddy and daughter browsing...
Even the building looks good enough to eat!!
Mummy and baby snap time.
A quick play in the park to burn chocolate calories ......weeeeee
three little chocolate gems still sitting here at home waiting for their time of need.