Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Have you ever thought how much TRUST we have to employ each day?
After the last couple of months I certainly have given it some thought and if I give it too much, it scares me.

Can I really trust the 'gut instinct' of a specialist? He does look at brains everyday I guess.....

Can I learn to trust myself, my body again? Will I suddenly have a seizure or aneurysm while looking after my children?

Can I trust a harmless 'stress headache' or head cold anymore, or will I instantly think I'm going to die!!

Shall I trust my individual cells and believe they are not mutating and going rampant?

Can I trust that my children will be ok everyday I drop them off at school?

Can I trust the strangers and outside world to not harm my child when she plays at the park with her friend, not me?

Will my friends and family in Christchurch be able to rest at night and return to work each day trusting the earth wont deliver 'the big one'??

Obviously we just can't live thinking like this!!!!

I know this is NOT how I normally think, and it is all born from fear. Today I am grieving for my loss of ignorance. Today, (although I know I'll cope), I let this new awareness of how much trust is required to live, scare me. Today I let myself be know the old saying "feel the fear and do it any way" etc etc
But I don't mind being scared because I know I always pull myself back up and away from it. I feel very sad for those that wont or can't.

So, like many of you have reminded me. Live for today. Be grateful on waking each morning and cross each bridge ONE AT A TIME.

Thank you for being out helps me on the scary days.


  1. Hey Jaz
    I can really appreciate how scary things must have been for you and your family over the last few weeks. And yip, when you write it all out like that it sure is amazing how we do have to put so much trust into our everyday lives. I live by the saying fear paralyses faith but even better faith/trust paralyses fear.
    It's the only way to live else we can be too fearful to really live!
    hmmmmm hope my ramblings make sense.
    Thinking of you today and hoping the 'scaries' ease up alot for you.

  2. I would suggest that the fact that you recognise the source of the fear that has made you question trust and that you can share it is a large part of your battle in overcoming that fear. Would it work to compartmentalise your trust/mistrust? Some are common to all of us. Eliminate them. Then say 'I'm doing all that I can to help my body. I can do no more. I have to trust it so that I can get on with my life.'

    I wish you well.

  3. Just wish you didn't have to live with the fear, but you are handling it wonderfully. We take so much for granted....
    Soon you will be able to enjoy the uncertainty of the aftershocks too :) Can't wait to see you all....



  5. One of the stages in all of this you will go through is grief. People dont just grieve when someone passes.
    We grieve when marriages die, when we have to give up our home that we loved, in this phase of your life you will grieve for what has changed within you. It is individual, it is yours and yours alone as no one else is walking in your shoes right now but you.
    We can say we are here, we understand on some level, we can envisage walking in your shoes, but we are not you.
    You are right when you talk about the loss of trust, you have been betrayed by your own body. Its the coulda, shoulda, woulda's that take over at times.
    The fear, anger, sadness, etc may overwhelm at times and that is grief, your mind body, spirit, whatever is doing what it should, it is sensing loss and feeling it.
    In this sense although overwhelming at times, your body is reacting normally.
    You will in one way or another go through this cycle and it will become a journey of changes.
    In time it will lessen, become easier and you will enjoy life as you did before, but differently because these things do change us, hopefully for the better in some small way.
    A brilliant post, raw and honest, big hugs.


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