Ok so..........it's Friday and I should have done a Thankful Thursday post yesterday, but I was in such dark mood I didn't want to injure anyone with my sharp words.
Woke up this morning, feeling a whole lot more positive, and after a walk on the local beach with a mate and feeling the rain on my face. Yep, I realise I'm still ok and happy to be alive.
I seem to have another disease, and some dis - ease it is sure causing me. Yesterday's dark mood was born from what I refer to as the "recovering person's impatience". I actually feel fabulous at the moment. My fatigue is well and truly under control (with a good diet, and plenty of sleep etc), and my physical and cognitive self are totaly 'with it'.
But my eyes are not :-(
I have ongoing swelling (which takes a LONG time to go down) which is completely confusing my eyes. As I was always slightly shortsighted anyway, my brain has got a whole lot of shite to deal with. I feel as if I'm in a bubble behind streaky or blurry glass. My head feels clear, but my bubble is not. As I'm also not permitted to drive for another four months I feel a little trapped in this bubble of mine. I can't share this bubble with anyone, no body else can truly understand. I feel so energised and well at the moment, it doesn't seem fair to have to keep still so my eyes can cope. The closest I come to real exercise (except for the occasional supervised beach walk) is the cross trainer, where I can take a simulated walk as such because I don't trust my visual judgement to go out for an actual walk by myself.
So I was feeling very sorry for myself yesterday. I wanted to be thankful, but I could only think of yucky things like snails and puppy dog tails. So sulked on the couch for the evening.
You see I have this thing about being positive on my blog. I don't like spreading misery.
But just to let you know, I will always try very hard to be positive in these discussions with you. I'll try not to let you worry too much. I don't really want my blog to become an agony aunt or medical consult. I just want to chat. Maybe vent a little, but there are days when this whole thing is SO yuck. I just want to bury my head in the sand and pretend life is normal.
A new normal. A couple of people had said this to me and I appreciated it. Like after an earthquake as well I guess. Our new normal. My new normal.
So what to do when you feel yuck and burying your head isn't the answer? When all your vestibular system can cope with is sitting still.
I got out the guitar. Funny, 'cause I can't even play the damn thing!!! But I could remember three chords, the arm responded by strumming fairly evenly and I'm thinking that I don't even have to have my eyes open to make music. Not that my playing can be called music............yet.
But I've got all the time in the world haven't I?? Sitting still, healing, strumming gently, humming a tune. Doesn't sound too bad huh? By the end of this whole process I might even know more than my three chords.
I would like to share my thankfulness though. Seeing as I'm in a much better head space than yesterday.
So.................
I like to thank those organisations that are allowing Cantabrians and fellow New Zealanders the opportunity to support the Christchurch recovery and rebuild from afar.
These cool t-shirts can be purchased here!
Check out The Edge website as they have some very cool ones also.
These bands can be purchased online from here or at many local postshops around NZ.
Jaz
xx
Aww hon..if you didn't have times like this, you wouldn't be a normal human being - or bean as I like to call them ;-)
ReplyDeleteAny 'new normal' takes time and adjustment. It's so natural to have frustration wishing we could go back to the old normal. But over time, the new normal settles on us gradually until it becomes like a second skin. And we become more comfortable in it.
You are such a wonderful, positive person usually that I think it's actually really good therapy to have a GOOD OL RANT from time to time. We totally get it, and we totally understand you wanting to. It's great that you are finding outlets for releasing some frustration like music - it's so healing for the soul :-)
On days where its impossible to feel anything but yuck, be kind to yourself. Hug your family longer and harder, and know that people all over these islands are standing with you and praying for you xx
Even being grateful for being alive will eventually wear off when life is still not normal. Human nature!
ReplyDeleteNot having your eyes is particularly hard if you can't read or watch tv or movies... but music is great. Guitar is so much "feel" anyway that you don't need to look either...
My Mum suggested talking books as there are great selections at the library.
Earthquake people here are also glad to be alive and not injured... but we are still shaken and cranky and slow and frustrated and sleep deprived - and we can see and haven't been through what you have, so give yourself a break. We are learning to set new expectations and time frames too.
Down days are just that - days when you FEEL down... and feelings are just a state of mind that you can choose to allow to run your life, or accept they are a passing stage that will improve tomorrow - pamper yourself and do what you can to enjoy the activities you can do.
Right now I could just use a massage...
xx
Great blog babe, this weeks been a tough one but its one week closer to recovery.
ReplyDeleteIm confident that together regardless of our health we will get thru what ever comes our way.
Nice use of the links by the way! Im impressed watch out Whale oil!!!!!
Love you lots
Mark
Hi ya Jaz.
ReplyDeleteI don't have the inspired words of others here. I just wanted to say that "I hear ya" :)
When rough days happen I feel I must resist the temptation to vent all over the internet. And yet I don't mind that in others. In fact, I seriously appreciate their honesty. So in short, you just say what you must and we will all appreciate your honesty. It's just great to have you back here, writing and sharing.It's all good :) Love, Hilary
Have some eye problems myself (if not the same kind) on top of other things, so I think I can imagine at least some of the frustration. And it is so true about having to redefine "normal" when the old normal suddenly seems to just slide away under our feet. For me audio books became one of those alternatives for me which make me feel I'm doing something even when I have to do 'nothing'. Good luck with the guitar!
ReplyDeleteI've been out of Internet reach at Mahia for the weekend and had wondered before I left about no T T posting. Believe me, Jaz, for those of us who are human it doesn't matter how positive we are when we feel like crap, trying to be thankful can be very hard. There have been times over the last ten years when, if I'd have been blogging, I'd have screamed on my blog. Just occasionally. I think we all need release. I think when you've gotta scream the best thing to do is scream. That way it's out. Friends don't mind the release. If they do then they are not friends.
ReplyDelete