Tuesday, May 24, 2011

In my world: Part 2 (or part one continued)


Sorry I've been hiding. Hiding from myself, the world, the tumour.


All of it.

I didn't really want to. I thought I was doing ok. But suddenly, from out of nowhere came a brick wall (of emotion I guess) and I think I must have walked into it. Funny, cause ever since the operation on my brain I had a purpose. To recover, improve and get better.

Well I did that. I conquered all of it.

But I still have a tumour in my head.

I've just started reading John Kirwan's book All Blacks Don't Cry. All Blacks may not, but real men and woman certainly do. Mental health issues have been more topical and openly discussed here in New Zealand in recent years. Which is a great thing.
I think it is still relatively "taboo" and seen as a weakness by many.

Some people refer to their mental health issues as demons, black dogs and many other metaphors. For me, it has felt like a cloud or blanket. A fog even. Sometimes I felt oddly safe cowering underneath and then there were days when I was being smothered and couldn't breathe. I now add to my 'list of empathy'; brain tumour patients, stroke victims and depression sufferers.

So that's why I hid.

I now have got some more support and an expert help to listen and hear me out. I can scream, rant and rave to them without the fear of hurting them. They tell me it's ok to feel all of these things. In today's session they asked me what daily tasks made me happy before 'the diagnosis'.

I couldn't remember.

.........and then it came back to me.

I like contributing. To others' lives, childrens' lives, the community. I really miss that.
I was then reminded that sharing my ideas, thoughts and love with others IS contributing.

Recently people have made lovely comments at how sharing these things gives them hope, love and inspiration. I know I've got to put a lot of energy into me right now, but just maybe I can continue to inspire. Maybe I can even inspire myself.

So. I've been to the bottom. Thankfully, the only way from here onwards is up again. I'm walking the tightrope, climbing the skinny ladder and balancing the slippery beam.
Thanks for your blogs. Jeepers I love watching your families galavanting about each weekend, reminding me of what life is meant to be about.

So here I am. The good, bad and the gorgeous.
I really want to write again.
Thank you for reading. Thanks for your comments. You inspire me too.



  1. Dear girl...I had noticed the quietness of late and hoped that everything was OK in your world. Your honesty at the emotions of dealing with something this BIG is just so refreshing. I'm so pleased you're able to talk to someone about the fog and cloud that threatens to envelop.

    As always no matter where you are writing from, whether it is place of extreme joy or deep sorrow or somewhere in between, you inspire me just by being you, and being so real.

    You inspire by letting us journey alongside you rather than choosing just to go it on your own. By allowing us to open the window into your life and seeing you there..warts and all.

    Dear brave and precious girl...a big hug coming down the broadband line to you right now. Hope you can feel it xx

  2. A blanket. Good description of hide-away periods. It's hard when life is hit by a major change. You can no longer do all the things or quite the same things you used to do; you are still you but at the same time your body or brain or whatever does not quite cooperate; you have to find not only new outlets but also new inputs; you have to find new some settings for "normal". I had a blanket-moment just before I came to this post...

  3. So glad you wrote this because that is how I felt you were coping after being with you - in a fog of acceptance and a degree of isolation, when so many want to help but are themselves a little lost on what to do or how to do it.

    Incredibly pleased to see you doing as well as you have - whatever journey you are on, your rate of recovery from when we last were there with you is mind blowing!!! Your family is coping in the face of all these issues - even if at times, a lot of the time, you don't really think you are. The girls are wonderful - a pleasure to be with.
    You have so much to offer

  4. Ever since I first ‘met’ you I’ve been aware how special you and your family are to so many people. That specialness has rubbed off onto a lot of other people. Your incredibly positive attitude (and hitting a brick wall and hiding under a blanket don’t detract from that one iota) are an inspiration and the fact that you are able to blog about it is encouraging to others and you definitely are contributing to many lives. And, let’s face it, there are lots of others out here who need the encouragement and some of your positiveness.

    So I say ‘thank you’ for that help - for me it’s been Thankful Thursday in particular. I hope with every positive thought that I can muster that everything goes well for you over the weeks of treatment. My thoughts are with Mark and the girls too.

  5. Hey jaz
    I read this last night and just want to let you know you are in my prayers. You really are an amazing source of inspiration to those who are blessed to cross paths with you. and I have a strong belief that up until now the world has only caught a slight glimpse of what Jasmine has to offer the world! I hope this doesn't sound cliche because I truly believe it and I think you do too. I hope this day is kind to you xo

  6. Jaz

    Ive seen you roll to the bottom of the hill and now thankfully together we are walking back up the otherside. In a few months we will get up and over the top where there will be lots of sunshine, no black dogs or fog just life!

    Keep climbing

    Love Mark

  7. Oh Jaz. Everyone here has made such lovely comments but i am just lost for words. I don't know what to say. I worried about you last time i saw you. I wish i could do more to help, please please please sing out when you need more support/a visit/a meal, whatever. Big hugs coming your way honey. Becs xxoo

  8. I hear you. I so hear you.

    Fellow depression-sufferer, and proud of it :S


  9. Hey Jaz
    I come on here and check how you are doing and was worried when you hadn't been for a while. It's so understandable and "human" to feel what you are feeling. I think you are incredibly brave to share your journey so openly with us all. You truly do inspire and contribute.

  10. Hey Jaz,
    We are all behind you every step of the way, beautiful brave lady! It's so nice to see you post on here again. I hang out between posts checking most days to see if there is something new in your journey or even just some thoughts or a 'Thankful Thursday' you've shared with us. You are such an insiration as everyone above has said. We're crossing off the days on the calendar for you too.
    Like Mark said, 'Keep climbing' The hill seems so high at the moment but with baby steps and time (hopefully not too much) you'll reach the top when you are ready. ...And we soooo look forward to it when you do.
    You're amazing!

    Lots of love
    Jen xxx


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