I've entered a new stage of recovery.
I think I might call it.............the 'plateau'. Everything seems to have stabilised and no more progress seems to have occurred. I'm not enjoying this bit.
I miss, waking happy, excited even!
I miss, going to sleep without wondering if there are nasty cells dividing and multiplying in my head.
I miss, helping my children across the road. Not the other way round.
I miss, driving.
I miss, just dropping everything and popping out to the shops.
I miss, going somewhere unsupervised.
I miss, the days when my biggest worry was deciding what to feed everyone for dinner.
I miss, the days when Radiologists, Neurologists and Opthamologists were not in my general discussions and thoughts.
I miss, being able to organise a surprise for my family without consulting them or having them with me.
I miss, my normally smooth nails that don't have deep ridges across them from one particular moment of physical and mental stress.
I miss, going to playcentre.
I miss, teaching.
I miss, picking up my children and chatting to the teachers and mums.
I miss, picking up my children without the glances and knowing looks.
I miss, just being mum and wife. Not the mum or wife "with the brain tumour".
I miss, the sunshine. This rain is unrelenting.
I miss, hanging out in the library, and having the focus to read a whole book.
I miss being able to post on here without tears.
To be continued..............
Jaz xx
Hey Jaz,
ReplyDeleteI just read and tried to understand what it would be like. I couldn't and I just hope that things start to move again for you soon. We all miss you and wish there was more we could do. Keep smiling!
Oh Jaz - all my love. Praying that things will start to get easier and strength for you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey Jaz, truly it must just suck!! Sorry you are feeling down about it - can't imagine what you are going through and how different life is for you at the moment. However, I can see from your posts that you are an amazing woman/Mother/Wife/Teacher...hang in there. Sending you a big hug and prayers xx
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. Don't have any wise words today just lots of big hugs. I so wish I could do it for real too xxx
ReplyDeleteSending you some sunshine, sometimes just a nice sunny day helps make things be a little easier to cope. I hope this plateau is just a little one and the rest of the peak will be come into view with the sunshine clearing away the clouds.
ReplyDelete*Big hugs*
ReplyDeleteHope you feel better soon, you have come soooooo amazingly far in such a short space of time and of course I cannot even begin to imagine the amount of frustration you must feel when you miss those things so much. big hugs xoxo
ReplyDeleteDear Jaz, i read this and it struck a chord within me. Different circumstances, diagnosis, challenges, however a similar journey when on the road from such a trauma and journey for you. The medics told me it can take up to six months to recover post a serious op, the surgery, the drugs and the complications to heal from, the same will apply for you (in the short term). I spent nearly two years couch bound, feeling helpless while i healed, never knowing what will go wrong next, kidney failure,more surgeries, scared of life and what may harm me, what will happen to my kids, the never ending exhaustion.
ReplyDeleteOne day I said enough, fought back against the weakness/apathy and things that went wrong and made a desision to try and live again, in spite of what may have lay ahead. This is the worst part hun, a stagnant and frustrating stage and all I can say that keep on trucking, this is really crappy for you and i feel deeply for you..but it does end, you are strong enough...xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo kirsten
Oh Jaz. I don't know you but I have followed your progress since seeing a link from Widges' page. My mother had a stroke 2.5 years ago, aged 47, and subsequently had neurosurgery at Waikato to remove the clot, about 6 months later. After her stroke she had mild weakness in her left arm but that was all.
ReplyDeleteAfter the surgery she was left completely paralysed down the left side of her body, motor skills and emotions were all affected. She (and we) was gutted.
It was a long road coming back, and she hit a plateau also. She felt so similar, that there was no improvement and just wanted to be "her" again, instead of a lady learning to walk again, learning to write with her other hand, she can't go for long walks as the tendons in her leg have shortened and it is too painful, a lady always worried people see she is weaker on one side or that they notice her (not noticeable) wonky smile and has trouble making even small decisions on a bad day.
I know it is so much harder being the one it is happening to, however I often have to remind her on those days that she has come so far. I recently found a diary entry of mine where I heard that she managed to pick a jellybean without getting too confused at the decision making process. It's the little things but they all add up to still making progress in the long run.
Stay positive, even if you do not see it yourself, I am sure you are still making progress, one step at a time, and you will get there in the end. The brain is a complex character and takes time to heal.
I have no words, Jaz. You are a Special Person and such a positive person too and surrounded by love. You will conquer.
ReplyDeleteThere is alot I miss but I am thankful to have you still in my life.
ReplyDeleteEven though our days are often grim and stressed there are still little rays of sunshine peeking through, I know the clouds will clear for us soon.
Mark x
I wish I could think of something amazingly lyrical to say. However, I don't think my words would be of benefit except to say my heart goes out to you! Take care Jasmine, keep focussing on that ray of sunshine coming through I know it will get a little better with each passing day with that wonderful family around you xx Sam xx
ReplyDeleteOh Jaz, I can't begin to imagine. You are amazing and strong and have come so far in such a short time.
ReplyDeleteHugs and prayers sent your way.
Some lovely comments... and all right on to it -
ReplyDeletewe wish with all our hearts you were here and we could do more...
the distance makes us feel quite helpless... and I am sure there are many, many people here who agree with that.
But life threw this at you and you are coping wonderfully, both of you, all of you. You will do wonderfully, and you know that many people are often thinking of you ..
x
I think i understand much of what you say here. My sincere best wishes to you xx
ReplyDeleteHi to you Jaz! And hugs :)
ReplyDeleteYou continue to be a real inspiration for me. And it is obvious that you now have a sizable following, thanks to your Blog, and that you are having genuinely positive impact on a huge number of people outside of your own home/immediate family. They, in turn, will feed off your strength and gift it on to others. The results will be exponential.
So your impact is perhaps in areas that you would not choose for yourself, or have foreseen, but rest assured. You are still a contributing participant in this crazy world of ours. Hang in there friend :)
Love, Hilary