Monday, October 31, 2011

Who is this person standing before me?

I'm having a moment. Just a little one.......promise.

We had a pretty relaxing weekend which was total awesomeness. Bought some Levis jeans for $29 at Savemart. OH yes!
New trainers originally $190 for $49 for my 'no driving' daily walking expeditions. Wicked!

Yep, a good weekend. Even the grocery bill was cheaper. Go figure! We relaxed, mooched, hung out together. The nice stuff.

But today I feel somewhat .........deflated. Disappointed I guess. Every now and again my brain tumour saga catches up with me and slaps me clean around the ears.
I have been on a lowish dose of steroids for the past month since my recent surgery. They are awful actually. I don't like them very much. BUT, they seem to have helped my eyes and head pressure. I feel I can function almost normally on them.

Catch 22 though. While the eyesight and 'headiness' feeling improving is a positive. I really struggle with the transformation my body is going through. Unfortunately, and embarrassingly this is where I become rather shallow in character. I miss the old me. The healthy, relatively fit, active, slim me. Ok so I've never been a sports woman, but a healthy 35year old and proud of it.

The steroids are making my face a little swollen and rounder. A smattering of acne. My hair is still a bit irregular from having surgery patches shaved. I can't sleep very well. I'm often up at 3 or 4am drinking sleepy tea or hot milk. I have an insatiable appetite. Like I've never had before (other than when I was pregnant). A drug induced (and eating at all hours of the day) belly is appearing, despite my 80 tummy crunches I try each day and regular walking. I feel I'm losing the battle, despite my efforts. It's all vanity, I realise this. I know it's more important to be alive and functioning, I just miss me!

My lovely husband is very good at saying all the right things. He loves me, the whole me. The person whom he married and the person whom he shares everything with. But I'm a girl. I want to be attractive for my husband. I want to be healthy and attractive for me too! It's a strange feeling to be changing beyond my control.

Some of it may be within my control. I'm trying a lower dose. But so far my symptoms eg the poor eyesight are returning. Drat.
I'm hoping it may plateau and become bearable, liveable. But I guess, if I have to increase them again I will.
I keep active. Even if I don't see the results outwardly, I'm sure it's good for my overall health and well being to keep moving and my heart pumping. That I can do and will continue.

I'm a little uncomfortable at the thought of the next time I see my friends and family again who reside in Canterbury. I don't really want to look like I've been on medications for months on end.
Oh I know........they love won't matter..........they will completely understand........and support me anyway. Yep, I know all this.

But I'm still having a moment.

Jaz xx


  1. Oh Jaz I feel your pain...well frustration!! Steriods completely changed my body last year. Before then I was never a thirds and fourths helping kinda girl but I was AMAZED at the amount I could pack away. Of course the result was a lot of weight gain and puffy face. But never fear hon, once you are off them it will go away and you will feel yourself again. Its one of those Catch 22's indeed. I hear you!

  2. Think of the Words to that song: You're beautiful, you're beautiful, you're beautiful to me.

    Yes you are xx

  3. Oh Jasmine...isn't it hard to get past the superficial stuff? You are such a beautiful person that has nothing to do with how you look on the outside!!! xxx and hugs Mel Mein

  4. I could not improve on Mel's words. Nothing any of us say can help how you feel about yourself. But if you are worried about how others feel about the present 'you' then don't 'cos your friends and family love you for who you are not how you look.

  5. True beauty from within shines outwardly, so when Mark says all the right things, I bet cha anything it's because all he can see is the gorgeous you that your not seeing. I don't have a brain tumour, am 41, have been slim a long time, am gaining a middle aged pot belly already,moved up a size or 2 of latley, sigh I get loads of pimples when I am hormonal still sigh, get coldsores from time to time, but apparantly the people who matter to me still see the same gorgous me. I think your doing fantastic, and I bet ya look fantastic even when ya not feeling it too. Am proud of how you and your family are working through this together.

  6. What everyone is saying is correct...
    However I have a suggestion...
    Something positive that you can do. =)
    While the steroids may be changing stuff... including your appetite...
    it is becoming more and more accepted now, that what has a HUGE influence over your appetite, absorption, and most of the stuff that your body and mind does and wants...
    is the life that lives in your stomach.

    So My suggestion is... get as many different types of pro biotic greeblies into your stomach, as you can.
    They will keep you balanced and give you the best chance of stayin as healthy as your body is capable of.
    the only real side effect you might have from them, is that they tend to taste real scrummy!

  7. Hey, Jaz, play the Glad Game. I got up this morning and looked in the bathroom mirror. Just be thankful you haven't got my body!

  8. You will always be gorgeous to us...
    And Scott is right about probiotics... Helping me heaps after he did some research on them.
    And hobbling on crutches has required some dietary adjustments here too...sigh.
    Really miss going for a walk!
    Hope the eyes settle... When is the next scan going to be now?

  9. Im a little lost for words with this post but I do hope you understand that when I say "all the right things" I actually mean it.

    Not only do I love you lots I am also a very very loyal person that will stick by you and only you through the good and bad times. remember our wedding vows.

    Its also important I think to continue to look after yourself, Scott's right Probiotics are good and so is eating healthy fresh produce. With summer coming there will soon be an abundance of fruit and vege for us both to power through.

    Those that truly love and respect you wont mind what you look like, the others....well we just don't need them in our lives.

    And it was Dressmart not Savemart! :)

    I love you Jaz.

  10. You know what I just want to say. I'm a girl and I get it. It feels shallow sure, but we all have those days and it must be even more so with all you're going through. Yes the important people love and adore you no matter what but I just want to say it's absolutely okay to have a moment now and again. Be kind to yourself xxx

  11. You deserve a moment! And, like you say, your family love you whatever - but of course you have every right to feel like 'enough is enough'. I love what Meghan says. Though it's hard - your family really, really mean those words. Your inner beauty is all they see x


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