Monday, November 14, 2011


Yip it's 3.36am , Monday morning and I'm blogging . I'm either a little mad, hopelessly addicted or it's something else.

Oh that's right.


They make you do some funny things these tumours. Like; awake at three am with hunger pains you can't ignore (that's the steroids, which I'm nearly off, YAY!!) and insomnia.

So what's a girl to do? Blog of course.

Gone are the days when Monday morning posts were all about the weekend just gone and enjoyed. Even though we had a great weekend. I'm still posting about this bloomin' thing in my head.

I thought about dying last night. Mark and I were sitting at the computer together. Doing mundane stuff. It hit me like a gale force wind. Brutal with the stench of 'tumour'. Waves of tears. And then gone. More like a Nuclear wind I guess. Not often does it get me anymore, I tend to keep myself distracted and busy, but sometimes the mundane tasks seem to encourage it, or at least allow it to get me.

I've worked out what our WORD is for this year.


Plain and simple.

I used to enjoy teaching values and attitudes as a unit theme with primary school children. Courage was always in there. It takes a lot of courage to be a learner. To take risks and try new things.

Well i've learnt a thing or two about COURAGE this year. In fact our whole family has. My children have been extraordinarily courageous. Mark shows courage in a daily basis living with this tumour alongside me.

But I now know what RAW COURAGE is. I can't think of another way to put it. It's the kind of courage you need when you know something needs to be faced or completed and your entire being wants to pull away. I didn't want to learn it or even experience it. It was kind of thrown into my life. I don't even consider myself very good at it. I just had to do it, be it, own it I guess.

It sucks. (As my pre teen might say).

Brain surgery is the scariest thing I've ever had to face. Every inch of your body wants to run away. You've just spent time chatting to several surgical assistants and registrars about the numerous risks. But lying on that table, looking at the surgical lights above you, you know it's too late. It's going to happen. The only thing left to try is a bit of COURAGE.

That's the courage I mean.

A very special woman in my life said something very poignant and memorable to me about courage this year. Her words, I can't remember to quote exactly, but the sentiment I will never forget. "Courage doesn't always lift its head and roar like a lion. It's often just a small and quiet voice at the end of a day that whispers; I will try again tomorrow".
I guess. Courage presents itself in different forms. Depending on what you need. Thankfully, most days, that quiet voice is all I need.

I'm not trying to talk myself up here. I just needed to write. Funny what you think about lying awake in bed. I wonder what tomorrow's topic word will be?

It's now 4.11am. What else is a girl to do?

Jaz xx


  1. Hey you
    Hope you are getting some sleep now.
    You are so incredibly brave Jaz and it inspires everyone who reads here. Your post popped this verse into my head (Matthew 11:8). You can Google it.
    Keep up your amazing courage and remember you aren't in this alone X

  2. Lovely are the most courageous person I have met in a long time, and you have more courage than even YOU know.

    I know that just when you've thought you couldn't possibly have to face more challenges, you've had to dig even deeper to find even more courage from the reservoirs...not easy.

    I'll be praying for a restful full night's sleep tonight xxxx

  3. I don't believe death is an option right now. To be more direct I wont let it be an option right now.

    Please use all of that courage to enjoy what we have now and live the future we have together.

    With Christmas and our big relocation in January you have so much to live for. That house wont paint itself!!!


  4. beautiful words. You really are courageous. Many people would just give up. And I like that quote "I will try again tomorrow".

    The nurse in me wants to ask have you tried sleeping tabs for the insomnia?

    Bless ya heaps Jaz. May His peace rest upon you :)

  5. Another thing about Courage is that it rarely presents itself until needed. Your post reminds me a little of the lion in The Wizard of Oz...
    "There is no living thing that is not afraid when it faces danger. True courage is in facing danger when you are afraid, and that kind of courage you have in plenty." - To be able remind yourself of your courage when sleepless in the middle of the night, that really indicates that you have a lot of it. Keep holding on!

  6. "Brain surgery is the scariest thing I've ever had to face" You really are the master of the understatement, Jaz. I fully understand your need to write about the issue. I know that that alone takes a sort of courage because you are sharing your innermost thoughts and fears with the world outside. The pay-off is that it also relieves some of the pent-up tension one feels. You have courage by the bucket load, Jaz. I know that I am not alone in admiring you for that courage.

  7. Muh excuse my typo please!
    Matt 11:28 was what I meant!

  8. Most people don't need courage.
    Many people have other words that are important, or have great meaning to them.
    Some people have 'magic' words, or special things to do or think about, that helps them when they need it.
    I wish I had a magic word that I could send you.
    Or a spell that I could cast.
    or a magic cloak of protection.
    I can't even give you really useful advice...
    because we all have different ways of dealing with the heavy stuff...
    or not.
    I tend to turn my feelings off...
    and for somethings that works... at times...
    but comes with its own negative side-effects.
    But I am sure that is not your way.
    You will find your way...
    you probably already have.
    And I will be here... often silently... I am here, whenever you need anything.

    I cannot protect you...
    and with any luck I will never need to...
    but it won't stop me trying, or wanting to.

    re the sleep:
    fear is a monster...
    but we need our sleep.
    so try to find the small parts of what is causing you not to sleep, and work out a way to deal with them.
    There seems to be a few ways to deal with monsters... some work better than others.
    1. pretend they don't exist, or shut them away in another room.
    2. find a bigger Monster.
    3. paint the monster pink.
    3a hug the monster. (fear feeds monsters)
    4. distract the monster... or yourself.
    5. Magic (magic can be found in books, or under stones, or in flowers, or where no-one has looked lately)
    6. starve the monster and it will fade away.
    7. nibble away at the monster, one piece at a time.

    Love Scott

  9. Jaz - you have more courage than anyone I know. Apart from the obvious of facing your daily challenges you have the courage to write about them and share your fears and dreams with us. I hope you get some sleep tonight. Oh... and I am so excited to hear about the relocation Mark mentioned :)

  10. Jaz. Thinking of you lovely. You are quite amazing. xx

  11. Awwwww. I'm sorry, that's all i can say xxxxxxx


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